kuueen

A Comet Appears

2012-03-03T10:16:00.000+05:30

Still to come
the worst part and you know it
there is a numbness
in your heart and it's growing.

If coming out from this means coming out devoid of emotion, I'd rather just stay here, stuck.
Stay with me x

Coral pink.

2012-03-02T18:20:00.000+05:30

Blush coral, I flow, darling, daintily down your breathing rhythm, gentle and calm.

Lithe limbs, neatly cut wounds read clear through fresh pink cheeks.

You subtly command my swift, barren laugh, and silver, it shimmers only in your eyes.

Blush coral, I flow, darling, sweetly down your sooty river soul, fast and heaving.

Piercing lips, rain rose thunder through dark broken river limbs.

You beautifully lace my naked, embroidered desire, and silver, it shimmers only as you look for me.

English

2012-03-01T18:30:00.000+05:30

Just gave the first 12th BOARD exam- English. It was so good, feelin so good, yayayayaya yadiyada. One day before boards = receiving phone calls day. Walked like insane with Dash yday night to tire self to sleep. Sitting next to a huge window with nice air. and pigeons, ugh, but nice nevertheless. Lots of parents and teachers outside the school, so anxious. And such sweet invigilators, made me happy. Gave toffee to vj and ate toffee too, haha. This is going to end soon. I'm confident. But my stomach is not, it feels empty even after lunch. Weird stomach. Not feeling tired. Got real studying to do now, ah.

I have boards

2012-02-28T14:46:00.001+05:30

Some days back I had a weird dream that depicts all my subconscious fears-
"Who were you talking to?" "Oh just a friend." "Was it a girl?" "Yes."
And then, suddenly, just like that, just standing there, I start crying, madly. Never cried like that, because I do not cry at all. And then I'm just looking and crying in this weirdly disturbed mad girl way and he's just increduled and I'm walking backwards away from him, not saying anything. Then, suddenly again, I scream,
"I have boards! I have boards! I have boards!"
"Leave me aloooooooooone." But what I meant was the opposite.
And then, I turn round and RUN, run run run. Trying to go away, wherever away might be, telling myself to not look back because what if it's not as expected? But I fall on the grass, not away at all. Failing to go, fallen.
Then I'm just lying there. That's all.

The Virgin Suicides

2012-02-27T22:11:00.000+05:30

I was reading The Actress and suddenly remembered that mid November night, lying on my bed under a very pink blanket, telling Him after my long pause and silence that he (nearly) patiently heard, "I feel like Lisa Belogorskaya." And yes, I feel like her. Sigh, that story is kind of beautiful. Except the latter part where the guy dies is just not required. Not for now, at least. Evil grin.

She's made of love [short poem]

2012-02-26T14:22:00.001+05:30

You can not tell her not to believe

her hazel eyes refuse to see what may not be

For she's got wonders burning inside

dreams and desires, she refuses to hide.

Bright red lips swirl over words to say,

She is a writer, she'll write her love in.

Kissed by the night, killed by the day,

She is a dreamer, she'll dream her life in.

You can not tell her not to believe

her tears so beautiful they refuse to fall

For she's got her words to take her miles

she's made of love; sensitive, not fragile.

clouds

2012-02-25T21:42:00.000+05:30

Accurate depiction of how I feel today. Rather cloudy. There were bright stars later though. Very bright stars. So bright they'd cut. Sharp like Diamonds. After the clouds cleared. They just disappeared. Can't find my stars yet. Will later tonight. I've got a feeling. Why am I here? Look up, look, I'm a believer.

So different, tonight,

Oscar Wilde on Art

2012-02-25T19:26:00.000+05:30

Page from a letter by Oscar Wilde written in response to a question posed to him by a student at Oxford about the line “All art is quite useless,” from The Picture of Dorian Gray.

-[Oscar Wilde is my most favorite person and we'd be best friends had we both existed together in the same era.]

My dear Sir

Art is useless because its aim is simply to create a mood. It is not meant to instruct, or to influence action in any way. It is superbly sterile, and the note of its pleasure is sterility. If the contemplation of a work of art is followed by activity of any kind, the work is either of a very second-rate order, or the spectator has failed to realise the complete artistic impression.

A work of art is useless as a flower is useless. A flower blossoms for its own joy. We gain a moment of joy by looking at it. That is all that is to be said about our relations to flowers. Of course man may sell the flower, and so make it useful to him, but this has nothing to do with the flower. It is not part of its essence. It is accidental. It is a misuse. All this is I fear very obscure. But the subject is a long one.

Truly yours,

Oscar Wilde

Because she moves in her own wayy.

2012-02-25T14:24:00.000+05:30

Been super excited some days, super scared and/or super confident some other days.
They're finally gonna end! But first they begin. Ah, the laws of nature. Today = chilled out.
Must start English. Must top English. Must do English.
That reminds me of 'I love English. English English English English English English English English English ..'
I think I tend to repeatedly write the name of the one that I love since childhood.
Writer person since forever. Dunno how took so long to put it down. Talking like Vj is a fun habit.
A friend just asked "How's Cockroach?" I said "Sexy." hehehehehehehe yah, you do not mess with me.
Every body otherwise seems to be asking the same one epic question-
"How's the study going?" "Padhai kaisi chal rahi hai?"
"Fine." "Achhii."
Why would you even be so boring?
I do not think like a girl. Hardly. Except in dressing perhaps.
Yday figured something-
If you like yourself, you tend to like people who are like you. Because obviously, they are like you, which is what you like.
I try to find myself in people, sometimes. And I end up liking them for the me-ness I see in them. But the truth is, I keep changing, and so I keep moving away from them. Talking bout Dd here. Makes a lot of sense to me. That's why, when I fall for someone who's not like me, it stays. But nevertheless, I'm a self obsessed, selfish, self loving freak and I will forever love to love people like me. And I will change so my likings will change too. In the process, I also become these people. But I don't want to become anybody anymore. I like to be my own and I am not taking up any love other than the one I have in me which makes me be me.
Even though I have no idea what I am.
But I am. And nothing else compares.

IT'S MY BLOG BIRTHDAY :D

2012-02-23T18:23:00.002+05:30

i love you

yo

2012-02-23T15:02:00.000+05:30

Dear Y,
It would've been so easy, wouldn't it? It would've been so apparently perfect and then, what would've been the point? Some sort of temporary idk, relation, and then what? I never do easy. And I'm too young, I am. We've only seen all these years yet. And I know they say life is short and all that but when I look back, it has been short. So I think they meant it about the past because for me, there's this huge future ahead and I only look at that and how I want you next to me there, in that stretch of future. I'd be bored otherwise, alright? And I do not like being bored, because when I'm bored, I change every thing around me. And I like this, it does not bore me. I do not want to change myself, again. I do not want to become people, again. I like being this way. It isn't easy, you know? But I always have so much to say that it refuses to come out and I end up saying nothing but that's alright because I never feel the need to be when you're there. X says I'm just like him and Z thinks I'm just like him too. W likes me because we're alike and Q thinks he can relate to me. And they all think they like me but what they love is not me. This is me. When I'm with them, I become them. I don't know what sort of morphed creature I am but I can not do much about these people. But with you, I just don't feel like anything I could ever be with these people. I feel like I'm in a washing machine and I feel stupid sometimes, but it's all good because I know what I am. But I'm not like you, Y. I'm not like you at all and you don't like me like they do and that's why, that's why I like you so very much. But that's not the only reason why I like you. You see, there aren't any reasons, I can not tie this to reason. Except that I shouldn't. And I always do what I shouldn't. And I think you always mysteriously understand and it embarrasses me that you'll probably read this sometime and then know it's you because I don't know, how do you know these things? I'm so transparent to you, I hate it sometimes. But then that's why you are different to me. How can I help it if you are so awesome? It's not my fault.
With lots of wonderment,
KJ

one of me.

2012-02-22T13:20:00.000+05:30

You haven't the slightest idea where you have got yourself to. Look, your reasons have drawn to dust, I have not let them stand. I live to let the opposites play, I make your world turn round, flip, subside. And you're losing, but I never wanted you to. And you're the one choosing to believe, but I never wanted you to. And you haven't got anything but your beliefs, but I've shown myself to be true. And it should never have had to happen to you, oh will you ever fathom the extent of what you've done? But I did not want you to end up here, I wanted to let you free. Free to choose to not have me exist. I liked being free from you, too; I liked being free to escape into the uncertainty surrounding the existence of anything of you at all. And you have lost now, your motives drawn to dust. It's turning around at you now, and do you even know? Do you even know what you've done for you? Opposite effects and reactions. I will forever change your view. I will lay outside of all of you and beneath my sunrise, somewhere, I will be affected in every way you would have never imagined. Watch me laugh when you accidentally break me, watch me laugh again when you fit the pieces back. I am not affected, how can I change from something I never was? And there will be no more complicated implications from me, there will be no more insinuations, no more hints, no more of nothing, but nakedness. You haven't the slightest idea what you mean to me. It goes beyond stupid frivolous emotions and feelings like love. It goes beyond even inspiration, to some charcoaled substance, to some brilliant diamond cuts, on to me. And I am important, so You are too. And now I exist, so You do too.

But one must not think about these things, must refuse to think, temporarily. And hope that time freezes around so there is nothing to hurt, till you can come back and get a hold on your mind, again. It does not exist, for now. But one must never do the mistake of judging a writer by her writing. She will just write herself her way out, or perhaps her way in to you.

I'm a good girl.

kuhu

THIS SONG.

2012-02-22T00:47:00.001+05:30

Gray, quiet and tired and mean

Picking at a worried seam
I try to make you mad at me over the phone.
Red eyes and fire and signs
I'm taken by a nursery rhyme
I want to make a ray of sunshine and never leave home.
No amount of coffee, no amount of crying
No amount of whiskey, no amount of wine
No, no, no, no, no,
nothing else will do
I've gotta have you, I've gotta have you.

The road gets cold, there's no spring in the meadow this year
I'm the new chicken clucking open hearts and ears
Oh, such a prima donna, sorry for myself
But green, it is also summer
And I won't be warm 'til I'm lying in your arms.
No amount of coffee, no amount of crying
No amount of whiskey, no amount of wine
No, no, no, no, no
Nothing else will do
I've gotta have you, I've gotta have you.

I see it all through a telescope: guitar, suitcase, and a warm coat
Lying in the back of the blue boat, humming a tune.

NO NO NO NO NO

"I'd never want to die, I'd want to kill."

2012-02-21T18:32:00.000+05:30

"Are you trying to imply something?" A question, not even asked because the answer was known. "Of course I'm implying something. I'm always implying something."
"Missing those days I used to just lie around on the sette listening to ABBA and singing over and over, all day long, with absolutely nothing to do."
"Belong. If not with me, belong to me." Lets not begin to think, not so soon.
"Oh dream maker, you heart breaker. Wherever you're going I'm going your way." - Moon River
"You are by far my favorite. And I hope that I'm by far your favorite too." - Sophie Madeline
"Take care of me. Sometimes."
"I'm making use of niceness and care and of how awesome I am. I'm taking things for granted, for now. I can do that can't I?"
"Why should I be sad about you when I can be mad about you?" New life plan- To not be sad when can be mad instead.
"Did I like it more then, when I was new and not taken for granted? Or do I like familiarity?"
"I thought it was only I who thought."
"I've based my happiness on strange and dangerous things."
"When I'm losing my control, the city spins around. You're the only one who knows you slow it down." - Look after you
"I'm so scared about the future and I wanna talk to you."
"Won't somebody help me chase the shadows away?" - Gimme gimme gimme a man after midnight
"And when you get the chance, you are the dancing queen."
"No no no no, don't funk with my heart." Hahaha
"Cause I never wanna see you sad girl; don't be a bad girl." - Wild World
"Never expecting, always wanting."
"How do you know?" "It's obviously obvious."
"No body else can be magical to me. I'm sorry."
"Scared and jealous."
"I have never ever been broken-hearted. I don't see how that is possible."
"I wonder sometimes, what jumped out and struck?"

sailing ships

2012-02-19T17:27:00.001+05:30

1. Those moments when you can find no explanation at all even though you know this person, even though you see it happen. When you either smile or cry because you can not reason while you're there, in that moment, when there exists no why. Just that feeling, or the lack of any. That feeling that is no feeling at all because it hasn't a name. Did you even feel? You don't know why that was so, why that was said or felt or heard or done the way it was. You send out your question, you wonder about the motives and the reasons. But there are none, the universe tells you. Sometimes the eyes do. Or a shiny green plastic sword perhaps. They answer, they echo a single word- Love. Those moments that you can not explain; the ones you can not tie to reason; those moments are Love.

2. The more people I get to know, the more I realize that I can not be with them. That they will not let my belongings be mine and yet claim them. They will not try to read me or draw me beautiful pictures. They will not let me be silent while they know that they must talk. They will not know what to talk of to me and what questions to ask. They will not wait for my answers and they will not know when to not wait for an answer. Then will not let me say anything I want to them and they will not take it all inside them. They will not walk beside me or follow me when I take the wrong routes. They will not set me on the right ones, they will not tell me their reasons. They will not understand why I lined my eyes red or why I stood on a bench. They will hide themselves from me and see my clothes as my being. They will not sit inside a bookshop with me or climb the white tower with me. They will never make me feel like I'm known; naked. I am not made for them. My realization has made me indifferent to people. To the extent of not caring who I hurt how much. I know who my people are. I always subconsciously choose the right ones. The few magical ones.

3. Do not interpret me through my words. I am good with words. I can disguise and hide and create with my words. I am a writer. I can become thoughts and places and things, through my words. Would you judge an actor's person through what you see on screen? He is an actor. He can act on his stage, through his body and expression, he can become whatever he wants you to see him as. I am no actor. I am a writer. If you wish to read me, read not my words, for I can act through them. Read my body, for it can not become anything it is not. Read my face, my eyes, they will show you who I am and what I think for you. I am no actor. I am a writer. Would you judge a writer's person through what you read?

yday's song today

2012-02-19T13:07:00.000+05:30

If you change your mind, I'm the first in line

Honey I'm still free
Take a chance on me
If you need me, let me know, gonna be around
If you've got no place to go, if you're feeling down
If you're all alone when the pretty birds have flown
Honey I'm still free
Take a chance on me
Gonna do my very best and it ain't no lie
If you put me to the test, if you let me try

Take a chance on me
(That's all I ask of you honey)
Take a chance on me

We can go dancing, we can go walking, as long as we're together
Listen to some music, maybe just talking, get to know you better
'Cos you know I've got
So much that I wanna do, when I dream I'm alone with you
It's magic
You want me to leave it there, afraid of a love affair
But I think you know
That I can't let go

If you change your mind, I'm the first in line
Honey I'm still free
Take a chance on me

Oh you can take your time baby, I'm in no hurry, know I'm gonna get you
You don't wanna hurt me, baby don't worry, I ain't gonna let you
Let me tell you now
My love is strong enough to last when things are rough
It's magic
You say that I waste my time but I can't get you off my mind
No I can't let go
'Cos I love you so

-ABBA song I've grown up listening to.

relapse phase, love

Zoom in.

2012-02-17T18:17:00.000+05:30

Blue skies/ Loud Airplanes/ Free Fallin/ I told you to be balanced and I told you to be kind/ Cold night time wind/ black jackets/ Shredded broken worn out golden belts/ Red/ P block elements/ Late nights/ Ginger tea with ginger biscuits/ Split ends/ Time/ Happy present/ Smiles/ Swords/ Parents/ Too tall brother/ Hugs/ Pasta/ Evening coke/ Friends/ Texting vj/ Dreamy calmness/ Feeling the special moments when thought flows like 'I'm the only girl who'll ever be this.'/ I'm not a girl./ Lip biting/ Blue nails/ Parrot green/ Red eyes/ Shady places/ Fearless/ 8 pm/ 'You're my favorite person'.

lets be insignificant dots

2012-02-15T15:11:00.004+05:30

You are an insignificant dot on this insignificant dot of a planet. The most you can do here, is, well, a lot of ultimately insignificant things. Your thoughts, are all you know. Only your thought can travel beyond the ordinary dots of your life, as you stumble about trying to connect them to form a bigger dot you call your self that's also still just as insignificant a dot as this planet is. But you see, your thoughts are all that you know. And since they are YOUR own, they only matter through YOU. And although you are insignificant in this infinite, unknown wondrous ocean of phenomenons all unreal, you are the only thing you truly have. You are. And nothing else compares. The least you can do is give in to your SELF, which is the highest and only truth you will over truly own. The least you can do is BE. And if you wish to find meaning in your existence, remember, you are enough. You are all. And if you've tied your existence in fast double knots to somebody else's, find emotion and sex that satisfies your selfishness, don't let your self go. Remember darling, he's an insignificant dot too. - Me

I've got just one life, you know? And I'm selfish to the core, all the way in. I'm gonna control it. I'm not gonna stand and wait it out and watch it move. I'm a do-er. I never stop trying. I'm in love with life itself. I'm out here, doing things my way. Doing what I want to do, to you. Saying what I want to say to you. I do sometimes apologize for my existence, but not for myself but for you. Because I will destroy. I will burn and then I will smile. Only because I love you.

and i do

iron and wine i'm made up of iron and wine i'm like iron and i'm like wine.

xxx

With Simi every valentine's day. :)

Free Bird

2012-02-14T00:03:00.002+05:30

Songs that my head forms in just minutes. And then I rush to the math notebook to write them. The back's filled with lyrical writing. The amount of scratches is amazing. Shows the contradictory nature of my head's inside. I am forever extreme. I love Teardrop now. What the actual blasphemy? I hate that song. Forever loving the very thing I hate as well. I am so extreme, always, with everything. Here's the song- (yeah i know i've stolen the title from Lynyrd Skynyrd) It's the first song I've written about myself. (but that also in relation to another person)

Free Bird

Free Bird
flying in the sky y y y
I will run with you
I will love you till you die.

Tell me
if I kissed you once
will you be free?
Oh tell me
if I hold you once
will you fly away from me?

Free Bird
flying up so hi ii ii gh
She will run to me
She will love me till I fly.

Tell me
if I define your eyes
will you be free?
Oh tell me
if I kissed your smile
will you fly away from me?
xx

Happy Valentines! I can hardly believe it's been a year. And what a year. But a year ago, February felt pretty much the same. Oh wait, it wasn't the same. Not at all. It felt the same. There were no boards. But boards are feeling awesome, I like to study all day and know that in two months, I'm gonna be doing crazy stuff! I'm soooo happy today, happiness is bursting out of my mouth.

I know you.

2012-02-12T21:50:00.000+05:30

Oh, you won't walk from me

in the pages and folds of your breathing.

You mend your lips to sing my hymn

naked in spirit, I

bathe in a sugary sea

while your hands ignite my pile of blooms

blazing fierce gold red, more beautiful.

You map my winter nights to create a room

scared for your shadow, I

lay the bed but my covers fall

while your eyes gently dance to think me again

spinning around my body, more beautiful.

Oh, you walk to me, you do.

I own you, who exists solely through me.

Happy reasons :D

2012-02-11T21:54:00.001+05:30

I am ecstatic today because-
I studied physics most of the day and sincerely that too, with full attention.
I slept only for an hour during the day and successfully woke up to the alarm!
I didn't bathe all day. I don't know why that makes me happy. Actually I'm about to go bathe right now. Heh. Tomorrow is another shampoo day, yayy.
I did yoga for 2 hours straight early evening and did ab exercises till I could feel the muscles hurt. Feeling your insides is the best feeling ever.
Mom got me the coolest dragon bracelet and an Om pendant. They are so pretty I want to cryyy.
Physics mock test was awesome. I feel awesome. [i am so awesome] No I no longer feel the need to repeat.
I danced. Wantonly. Just danced. To- high and dry. Not exactly dance, but did cool hipster leg movements and just swayed about a lot. Oh I can dance, I can actually dance. There must be nothing I can not do!
I did not text at all cause no balance. I don't know why that feels good for a change. Missing Vj though.
Happy cause of how well I sing Khwabon ke parindey :)
I played Skinny love on Ukulele, and then the initial low-ness of the morning went away, magically.
Feeling thin and boobs feel awesome. [oh.]
I am considerate towards other people's [person's] lives [life] and I know them so well.
Was going through baby photos with the parents. Happy moment. I'm so pretty.
Feeling cared for and special. That's all I need to feel :)
Orange Plum's post- Made me shed happy and sad tears. Also, she's such fun to talk to, sigh. Here's a big font-ed post specially for her! Love xx

ओहो अब तो
जो भी हो सो हो

I wish to create worlds.

2012-02-11T13:06:00.000+05:30

Create that dream of yours. Write a book or perhaps make a film. Don't let your dream go if it's too unreal to exist in this world. It's made for another. Create your world. Create all the life you could not live. Be all the things you wish to be but can not be because you do not belong here. Have all the adventures, all the emotions, all the crazed romance you haven't had in your real life. Because you are horribly bound by people and attachments and homes and places and things, in the real world. But build that dream, write it out, stitch together all your visions, compile your life exactly how you want it to be. Be the director, this time. Write your own screen play. Watch it come to life. Live through it, live inside it. And if you believe in it strong enough, perhaps it will become your life. You'll climb that big white tower perhaps, because you need to write about that dream of you standing on top of it. You will need to go out there, be out there, to experience all of it. And even if you are alone on the tower top in reality, you can create your magic person beside you in your story. And all of the imaginary, will criss cross and overlap with your mind and turn into your life. It will be a good thing, because you'll be where you wish to be. Even if it isn't real to others. It's true, for you. You created it. In your film, you get to be the star. And through the screen and scenes, you find yourself a new adventure. And through the pages of your book, you come to life. A new life that you created. Be the director, this time.

BOARDS - images

2012-02-10T14:23:00.000+05:30

Flying kites / Saying "He's from Venus." and later figuring out how / Time table / Exam schedules / Physics / Ulike / Medicines / Anaemia / Imli candy / lip gloss / Elizabeth Arden / Red nail paint / Awesome orange berries whose name no one seems to know / Painting / Reynolds racer gel / Excessive music / New favorite song every day / Long curly hair gone shorter / Old building plan- so successful / Feeling like Howard Roark / Texting vj / Hanging / Less cold / Night walks with Dash / Not sleeping during day / Feeling nice, happy, calm.

I

2012-02-09T00:30:00.002+05:30

I have a million faces, a different one for each time I become.

I become people, I become things, I become thoughts, I become ideas.

And then there is me. Singular. I.

The one inside, behind all the faces.

I who exists only when my walls cease to exist, beside you.

When my mirrors reflect inside you and my eyes see a past so tightly forming.

A past that was where I began to be found.

I who only you can see.

I become naked, through and through.

Others.

2012-02-07T16:21:00.000+05:30

Sudden cheeriness. [Note contrast from last night's post]

Mutual inductance is the property of two coils by which the first coil opposes a change in magnetic flux of the second coil by inducing a current in itself.

This song Little Bird by Ed Sheeran is so cute, I love singing it, it makes me happy.

And oh, I'm happy cause well, I'm not going anywhere and I'm gonna love this place, I'm gonna love it good with all the love it deserves. Ahah. I think my colony is my valentine this year. The trees and the streets, the wakes and the walks. Sigh. Besides, can't be sad with such pretty weather. It must rain soon.

I flew a green kite from the chhat yday :D Best feeling ever.

When I have love for someone or something, it's always free. It's free of anything else. It just is.

It's not tied to any reason. For that matter, I almost never have a defined reason for the things I do. If you ask me 'Why?' for something I do or say, I wouldn't know why. I don't feel the need to have a reason behind things. Subconsciously though, I know the why, perhaps. My subconscious is very cool. I can always rely on it to make me chose the right people, without my absolute knowledge. I know that xyz is good for me but efg is not and maybe that abc is the right one whereas jkl will never be.

I act like the queen and I don't even realize it because other people seem to willingly obey my wishes. Really, it hits me sometimes how much I randomly order people around. Sometimes I don't even say please. "Hey xyz, get me that bottle." I can't remember if I smile at them or add some charm in my shiny eyes but I don't think I do, I just command and expect them to obey or do exactly how I'd thought and more often than not, they do obey. Vj and I keep adding features to our list-of-things-boy-should-be-like. I think I'll put up the list here soon! And I always think, oh well, I kind of chose the perfect one when I did not even think of these things. And of course she must be jealous, lol. I tell you, my subconscious does these things for me quite correctly.

When one good thing happens, it's best not to try and stretch it to try and get another good thing out of it. You might not be awesome like me to laugh at the after burn.

Oh I have never been heart broken. I do not let myself belong to stupid boys quite enough. Was I heartbroken when Flip said he wanted me but I was his second choice? No. I thought wow he's a loser. Bye. And now, hah, wouldn't he want me first now. Loser. Was I heartbroken when Zee made Pro guy go away from me? Nah, I didn't care enough. I was not that girl. I was not even that girl who was with Dd for so long. I was not the girl who liked Iltutmish or the girl who liked Flip. That was never me. It never felt right, or important. This. This is who I am. I don't need them at all. Looks like I never did. So I never understand people who weep over their lost boyfriends or girlfriends. I'm sorry, I fail to understand you. And I can not.

so i sleep a lot and turn teatotaler

2012-02-06T17:22:00.001+05:30

Sudden teary sadness is washing me through. I don't even know why, I just can't stop this strange heavy, watery feeling today. I can't stop the silent quivering of my eyes and jaw. I can't survive outside the blanket for long. I'm scared of boards-ending. It feels like life-ending. 2 months of study-full life, beyond which, I know no thing and no place and no one. Perhaps not even myself. What's the point of it all? What future? Bullshit.
-koo

(Julie London)

2012-02-06T14:57:00.002+05:30

"It's a very bad thing for a woman to face the worst that can happen to her, because after she's faced the worst, she can't ever really fear anything again."
"Her eyes met his, hers naked with pleading, his remote as mountain lakes under grey skies."
"You were too full of living and too real and I was cowardly enough to prefer shadows and dreams." - Ashley to Scarlett
"I believe women could manage everything in the world without men's help- except having babies, and god knows, no woman in her right mind would have babies if she could help it." - Scarlett O'Hara
"As always when his mockery aroused wrath within her, wrath fought with laughter at his impudence."
"Oh." said Rhett softly, "So I am only capable of carnal lusts?"
Gone With The Wind

x

Made a painting.

2012-02-06T01:33:00.000+05:30

"But your lips when we speak are the valleys and peaks of a mountain range on fire." - Girl inform me
"I'm not ready to miss so many places at once."
"Why can't I chose where to be? Why can't I just sleep beside some tree?"
"You can't live without me."
"I love you so much, kuhu." I did not wish to hear and tried not to hear.
"What have I taken on? Trust me to fall for the stormiest of storms."
"Just don't have the ability to cry anymore."
"But the thought of leaving home makes my whole body weep internally and externally."
"Every word you say is taken seriously, remembered, interpreted and repeated."
"I just don't want your identity to die."
"Without you, I have to become some person else. And I don't like it. I won't go into it no more."
"I cannot sever myself from this because this is where I know me, this is how I know me, this is the only thing I really am."
"I know you girl, in all situations."
"To be both reacher and settler."
"Help me back, to my mind."
"Unsaid will be said while the undone has begun."
"You're weird weird and I'm awesome weird. It's kind of sad."
"Why is this so important to you?" "Because it shouldn't be."
"You think too much." "I know. I'm a thinker. Thoughts are all I am."
"Oh my gosh. Call. And Strawberry Swing was playing. :)"
"It's only just begun."
"I don't need any music to put me to sleep. Sleep is my forte."

Coral.

2012-02-06T01:01:00.000+05:30

"If I find in myself desires which nothing in this world can satisfy, the only logical explanation is that I was made for another world." — C. S. Lewis

But if I kiss you, will your mouth read this truth? Darling how I miss you. Strawberries taste how lips do. And it's not complete yet, musn't get our feet wet. Cause that leads to regret. Diving in too soon.

You can't live without me.

"There is always one person you love who becomes that definition. It usually happens retrospectively, but it happens eventually. This is the person who unknowingly sets the template for what you will always love about other people, even if some of these lovable qualities are self-destructive and unreasonable. The person who derfines your understanding of love is not inherently different than anyone else; they’re often just the person you happen to meet the first time you really, really, really want to love someone. But that person still wins. They win and you lose. Because for the rest of your life, they will control how you feel about everyone else." — Chuck Klosterman

I thought of you today.

It was easier when I just imagined you.

And your heart's against my chest, your lips pressed in my neck. I'm falling for your eyes, but they don't know me yet. And with this feeling I'll forget, I'm in love now. Kiss me, like you wanna be love, you wanna be loved, you wanna be loved. - Kiss me | Ed Sheeran

This feels like falling in love.

2012-02-05T00:13:00.000+05:30

I need to blog. It's been a WHILE. And so many things have happened. LIKE SCHOOL HAS ENDED. Still not sinking in. Still not feelin the hollow. I've been sad today. No one heard me sniffing under my blanket late afternoon, listening to Wires and Passing Afternoon. I've been sad because we're about to move out of my colony, sooner than later. It's happening now and it's gonna only be a while before my world goes away from me. I can't take school AND colony ending all at once! I'm just hoping that when I move, things move with me. I need at least SOME same people around me. New people, new places. So alien. And cool part is, I don't even know WHERE I'll be in some months. Or what I'll be doing. There's just clouds, clouds, clouds over my near future and I just can't look through because they're so terrible and difficult to reach. Truth is, I'm scared. Of so many things. Of the boards, not too much since the chem practical day. That was on 2nd and I'll always remember it as the time when I apparently nearly killed Uday, lol. It was the HNO3's fault, really. And the exam was so stupid and we actually had fun in the lab. Salts were same as last time, very cool-ly and so, had to do actually nothing. It was such a joke. Gave viva with Dd hehe. So I'm really tired right now because I played Basketball :D After a year, actually a year. Maybe even more than a year. It was fun, only cause I was able to actually play like I used to. Although, I did play in school, in December during those 3 last days. The sadness has gone. I love this place so much. I am this place. I know it's every breath and every corner blindfolded. No no no, I can't imagine not living here. I won't imagine it. I'll not think about it. So many things I've refused to think about, I'm scared they'll all blow up on me one day and I'll break down and shed all the tears I've postponed. But that'll be alright, I'll find my love, and then it'll be alright. I'll be alright. Blessings day was on the 30th and it was quite sentimental. The new council was announced in the assembly and then we stood in lines, classwise, outside Hall of Grace and then went to the Meditation Hall. On the way, Priyanka and I were discussing really old 2nd grade van memories. It was so sweet. Got all nostalgic. Inside the awesome-ly calm and cool hall, we were supposed to sit and hear the meditation music for a while. Damn I'm actually going to miss even the meditation music so much. I was sitting there, remembering the whole of my school life, going over faces and places and incidents. Too many to write. I fear I'll end up writing too less, so I'll let them remain inside me, I'll let them become me, forever. I have a part of this school inside me, I do, and I love it. So I don't feel like I'm leaving school. I feel like I'm taking school with me, in life. Then we were all called one by one to the front, next to The Mother's picture and we were 'blessed' and were given 'blessing packets'. My school is so amazing. :') And Sanghamitra maam said a few lines about each one of us. About me, "You cherish friends and friendship. You will always be well sought after." WELL SOUGHT AFTER?! Mom made fun of that for days. Damn. Awesome, though. When I actually went up there, I was in such a daze, I couldn't hear what she said about me. I just touched everyone's feet and moved to where bird was sitting. Then he said some bird stuff and brought me to normal. Senti hugs and tears outside the hall. Met princi and she was crying and it was so sweet, I went and told her how much I miss hearing her stories in primary assembly. I used to really look forward to them. So many little memories, I love school so much. Blessings day was one amazing day. Later we roamed about everywhere in school and then Vj, T and I went to the Primary section. It was the best thing ever. Met Veena yadav maam and neetu maam in that staff room infront of 5 C. She remembers me! I was her favorite student! Haha, such memories. I felt sad later, at home. Farewell was the next day. Still can't believe I've HAD my farewell. Wore a scarlett o'hara inspired emerald green saree and straightened my hair. I liked it, but then my curls win over straight hair. They are more me. Farewell was cool. Food was just weird, except for the vanilla. The 11thies did awesome dances and songs and then Bhalla sir was so awesome. I will miss him a lot. I'll miss everything, just not so soon. Mother's Blossom for life. Everything's perhaps going to change in three months. But some things, I just won't let them. I'll change them, though. My way. I've been studying, really scared. I had an interview with a Wellesley alumni and she was so sweeet, I really liked her. Went to her place in the afternoon and I'd been a bit scared, but it was awesome. Like a nice chat with a new friend. Got another interview tomorrow. On skpye. That's weird because I don't know, I'm not a phone person. But the wellesley interview left me feeling so awesome. Like I could do anything I wanted. And I called whoever I wanted, said whatever I want to whoever I want. It was almost like being drunk. High on life, full of this crazed confidence. Making self do exactly what I want. I was wondering today, while under blanket, why one must follow what others make one do. Why must I do what I don't want to do? Why can't I go wherever I want to go and be just where I want to be? I hate how the world functions, I really do. I just want to lie down flat in the colony park, next to the K block benches and not have any body stare at me and ask me what's wrong. But I'll tell them, everything is right, because I'm here, right where I love.

Winter- Joshua Radin

2012-01-31T21:49:00.002+05:30

The walk has all been cleared by now
Your voice is all I hear somehow
Calling out winter.
Your voice is the splinter inside me
While I wait.
I remember the sound
Of your November downtown
And I remember the tune
A warm December with you
But I don't have to make this mistake
And I don't have to stay this way
If only I were awake.

I could have lost myself in rough blue waters in your eyes
And I miss you still.
-Your name is the splinter inside me.

I remember the tune.

2012-01-28T15:30:00.000+05:30

I did not know I existed for you. I wasn't sure I was real.
In this strange new re-phrasing of my world, I find myself still using the same words.
The words I would use for you have turned round to become me
Perhaps re tracing their lost way, making my vision entirely my own.
Of me, through you. I'm quite lucky that way, quite well put that way.
I could speak aloud everything I ever felt you were
and use those words on me, now. Reverse connect.
What have I become?
Old matching thoughts.
I complete.

Love is the dress that you make long to hide your knees.

2012-01-26T15:13:00.000+05:30

Somewhere in between your harsh lips and your deep sunken eyes, you tightly hold and unwillingly obligate my bleeding lips and my naked vision, while I gently cradle my head inside your storm and lay there, asleep, tirelessly waiting for you to wake me, again. Sometimes, through all the rushing memories, upheaving thoughts and neverending seas, I wade and I keep my head just above the water to watch a tall vision of a strong gait, so wondrously familiar and warm. Somedays, I trace the red ribbons and winding wires and chase them backwards to reach the pretty beginnings and there I settle and smile as I look on ahead and above me, the stars smile because they know by heart the song that takes you as my own.

Moon River.

2012-01-25T00:07:00.001+05:30

That's me with my lovely Ukulele, playing the first E note of Hey soul sister.

And that's my favorite Audrey from my favorite movie in which she's so much like me, playing my favorite moon river song. Love.

Moon river, wider than a mile
I’m crossing you in style some day
Oh, dream maker, you heart breaker
Wherever you’re goin’, i’m goin’ your way

Two drifters, off to see the world
There’s such a lot of world to see
We’re after the same rainbow’s end, waitin’ ’round the bend
My huckleberry friend, moon river, and me

HAHAHAHHAHA

2012-01-24T22:01:00.001+05:30

But it was not your fault but mine
And it was your heart on the line
I really fucked it up this time
Didn't I my dear?
Didn't I my dear.
P.S- high.

Leaves.

2012-01-23T20:46:00.002+05:30

I can not deny the change I see in the roads we take and the emotions we've shaped. I can not deny the absence of careless words and a laughter that would feel like it was out to discover me. I do miss effortless conversations that would just come my way and that I did not have to force myself to plan in order to fill up the lacking hollow. There is a change, a change in the smile I get and in the voice that speaks to me, inside me, perhaps even the gaze that sets it to tune. I'd gladly go back a year and stay there. Perhaps I liked uncertainty and strange newness over this naked familiarity and connection. But I'm hoping for more beautiful things to happen. I'm waiting because I know that the stars haven't fallen yet. I know that I've been saved from my dreams and I know that new leaves will grow and new roads will begin to see me walk them. And I know that there will always be new fruits and that same shadow next to my walking shadow. And that in the night, I'll look up and the same stars will shine as I knew them to last January and March when I'd look up then, only to look beside me to be sure I wasn't dreaming. Although the roads have changed, I'll be waiting on the old one, round my old corner where the moon creeps into view. And I will stay on my old road because I know, soon, I will find the same laughter and the same smile. And it will all be new, like before. I won't let this change change me. I do like it, though. It has it's own strangeness and I like to fall through its very certain and almost completely open uncertainty. But I'd wait to revisit my love, some times.

weird realization

2012-01-22T16:23:00.000+05:30

I like you for the same reason I like physics.
:)

mhh

2012-01-20T21:46:00.000+05:30

I can stand on my hands and I can stand on my head. There is absolutely nothing I can not do.
Meanwhile, I want to tear my body apart. I feel clogged up and my bones are shrinking down. I want to reach inside and un twist my self and tear open my rib cage and pull apart the muscles. I long for that hard earned freedom of body that's receding away, now. I must have it again.
Talking of how fact that had boyfriend fails to register in my head anymore and of how valentine days are never awesome for us.
ME: Dude last vt day was so weird. Mentally only. And I was in a relationship ohmygod.
VJ: Oh your god what. You dated that boy for a good time okay and it was cute so don't even oh your god.
-Hahaa. I love vj.

Breathe in

2012-01-20T00:24:00.001+05:30

I read you
And god I'm good at it
I'm so spot on
Chord, shapes in air
Go press that dissonance, if you dare
And you, breathing in
Finesse an innocent
From her partying

What part of no don't you understand
I've told you before
To just get off my case
This isn't happening
Stop this now
And I, where was I?
I have to be somewhere
Now where did I put it?

here and there

2012-01-19T22:09:00.001+05:30

I realized how sometimes I do things only for people who love me because deep inside I know those things are good for me. And I know that my good sense will keep me from ever harming myself or trying to over any thing or any one. I've been in that pit, too long ago, I was too young then. It wasn't fair, but I look back and I'm grateful for all the difficult emotional and physical madness I've had to put up with, because it's made me who I am. And I'm bloody brilliant right now. I feel so powerful. Meanwhile, there are pre board exams happening and they are so awesome only because I am so awesome. I don't know, have you ever heard of someone whose pre boards went awesome? I like being exception. I like being exception in general in life, regarding every thing and I like being an exception to certain people. I could live on that. I could live on my awesome-ness. I do not care if I'm getting too full of myself. Because I deserve to be. I studied continuously 2 days, without getting off table or bathing and then the eco exam was so amazing. It felt good. Feels good when you control your own life. Stand on your own feet. I stand on my hands too sometimes. :) (actually. hand stand. yes.) Chait just said he'll come and sit next to me after he's done watching supernatural cause the episode was very scary and he's scared. My parents aren't at home and it's so cute, it reminds me of old times alone when we'd both be scared alone. :) In the meantime, I've been hearing too much of suicides lately. There's this serial mom watches where this woman cuts her wrist over her friend, then there are these suicide attempt stories and all my friends are so damn suicidal all the time, it's beginning to annoy me. And I feel heartless, but really, I'm so scared and concerned about them that I try to shove away feeling like that and become indifferent and deride them instead. If I can handle all the bullshit that they have in their lives and handle all my other problems too, and be awesome, they have no right to kill themselves. Name one problem you have that I do not. If only I could make everyone think like I do. It is sad. But no, I refuse to let people affect me. But I'm scared too. It's difficult being like this and when I have only myself to keep myself like this. But I'm breathing and things are happening. And I'm good, I'm better than I was, better than they all are, and I will like this. Awesome.

let it begin, agin

2012-01-18T00:15:00.001+05:30

I see it in your eyes. I see it in your eyes. You'll be alright.
-Wires by Athlete
I am soooo infinitely happy I do not even care about the fact that I shouldn't be so.
"Why is this so important to you?"
"Because it shouldn't be."
x

Chasing the dragon.

2012-01-16T17:58:00.001+05:30

Oh, look! Tears of joy. Tears? Joy? Relief? Realization? That what you made yourself believe and live through doesn't exist after all. That it's actually way more rosy out here in the real world, yet. Cruelty was not the intention, neither was ignorance. You're not forgotten, yet. You're not wrong. You've placed your beliefs right. You'll be safe, he won't break you. Now breathe. It's all real and you'll be alright. | But you'll be more than just alright. You'll be mad. You'll be shaking, out of control, gasping for breath. And happy and sad will begin to feel the same for you. Everything will be madness. You'll call it 'love'. Sleepless, shaking nights will keep you cradled in a content smile that will wear off the next morning when you realize how insanely this has taken control of you. | And then the fearful realization that this isn't 'love' at all. And that 'medicine' wasn't strong enough a word. 'Drug' might work. That too narcotic analgesic. Heroin Heroin Heroin, your mind shouts. | You can't take any more of this euphoria, you're losing, you're chasing. You're existing on it, involuntarily, losing it so completely. Madness. You seem to like doing this. You've left yourself out here, so very vulnerable. Already taken, quite completely. Irreversibly. You're in denial. No. Nothing can affect you so much. This doesn't make you happy. That doesn't make you sad. You're above and beyond being affected. | Are you? You can't be addicted, no no no. You won't allow it. You're so strong, you'll make it go away. | Oh please, don't so this to me. Don't do this to yourself? | But this isn't working. You're not developing tolerance. It's all working opposite. The slightest of doses throw you to bliss, and the slightest of sounds take everything out of you, leaving you empty, hollow. The requirements reduce every time. Cyclic repetitions- upheaval, then calm, depression, then euphoria. Clouds, then underground. They all feel the same. |
You never need to chase the dragon. He's always right there, breathing sensual fire down your throat.

Love is the dress that you make long to hide your knees.

2012-01-14T20:43:00.000+05:30

"Won't let there ever be a dead end."
"Got yourself stuck? Didn't ask for you to. Could've walked over me."
"Queen of attention to detail. Defending intentions if it fails."
"Done with emotional bullshit. Emotionally shut and physically open."
"Momentary peace and then sudden upheavel, moving to uncertainty. Springing from the same source, can this even be? Refuse to think."
"I am angered."
"Mom knows me best and she always says I do everything 'opposite'. I'm beginning to realize how true that is."
"I was wrong, I can act. I act all the time. I create and act, create and act again."
"She's set out to defeat him. She's set out to defeat the damn universe."
Some months back, I'm sure in August, Q asked me very seriously, "Why do you like him?" and I didn't say anything because I didn't know what I could even say, but I thought, "Only because I shouldn't."
"What do I want? Every thing I shouldn't want."
"And while I'm looking out, I see, it's not just about me. There's that parallel connecting story."
"If I don't stand it, who will?"
"End your words with a 'please' and think everyone will obey."
"I feel so infinitely stupid."
"Kickstart a fire. Burn it from your desire."
"I'm watching my world from afar."
"First it breaks, and then it creates."
"Close your eyes and hope for protection."
"I've never been in so much danger before. I am afraid and I hate it."
"I love what I've become. Of course I do."

Playlist

2012-01-14T13:23:00.002+05:30

I feel like this-

The Dumbing Down of Love - Frou frou

Breathe in - Frou frou

Hear me out - Frou frou

Must be dreaming - Frou frou

Wait it out - Imogen Heap

Love and some verses - Iron and Wine

The Sea and the Rhythm - Iron and Wine

Music when the lights go out - Pete Doherty

I am the rain - Pete Doherty

Passing Afternoon - Iron and Wine

Candy - Paolo Nutini

Free Fallin - John Mayer

A Message - Coldplay

Clocks - Coldplay

Til Kingdom Come - Coldplay

Christmas lights - Coldplay

Warning Sign - Coldplay

Strawberry Swing - Coldplay

She moves in her own way - The Kooks

Lazarus - Porcupine Tree

Let go - Boys like Girls

I run to you - Lady Antebellum

The ballad of Love and Hate - The Avett Brothers

Stars and Boulevards - Augustana

Look after you - The Fray

The Scientist - Coldplay

Red Rabbits - The Shins

Pink Bullets - The Shins

Strange and Beautiful - Aqualung

Gotta have you - The Weepies

Not your year - The Weepies

Nobody knows me at all - The Weepies

Break me out - The Rescues

Wild World - Cat Stevens

Whiskey Lullaby - Brad Pailsey

Crush - Dave Matthews

What am I to you - Norah Jones

Drops of Jupiter - Train

No one's gonna love you - Band of Horses

Alcohol - Brad Pailsey

Beautiful Disaster - Kelly Clarkson

Girl inform me - The Shins

Ooh la - The Kooks

For Lovers - Pete Doherty

Thunder - Boys like Girls
Skinny Love- Bon Iver

web

2012-01-13T23:49:00.000+05:30

"And the alarm bells ring when you say your heart still sings when you're with me."
Never figured why I love 'Music when the lights go out' so much. Because I can not not not relate to it, except maybe it reminds me of Dumbdumb and of how I was like exactly a year ago. But then that does not explain why I LIKE the song so much. It gives me odd kind of pleasure.
"Is it cruel or kind not to speak my mind and to lie to you?"
Maybe because I no longer hear the music with most people any more. I don't hear the music any more at all. And I love breaking people. I tell them they're gone for me, they've changed. And I know inside it's just me who kept changing. I'm a bad person like that. I throw good things away and keep the ones that hurt me.
"Oh please forgive me, I no longer hear the music, oh no no no no no."
Being like that gives me odd kind of power. I win over all those ex boys. But they were good to me. I was happy and I got bored and threw away happiness only because I wanted to.
Maybe because I'm like Pete Doherty. I love him so much.
zz

Flipping

2012-01-13T18:15:00.000+05:30

You're charged by that crazed spirit inside you that's been brought to life, again. The same spirit that made you chose the sad Shania Twain song over the happy ones to listen to over and over through the years ever since you were only 7, and made you want to make that song your life. And now it's echoing, bouncing back and over forward, zig zag, through the emptyness inside you. It's just one of those days you become every thing you wanted to be when you were 7, and then forget why you wanted this. How does it get so empty in there? You're attracted to the sadness. Being happy scares you. It bores you and then, you dispose it, just as you dispose the people who made you happy. It's not what you want, for long, ever. You return to your self only because you're told to not return. But the shadow days no longer exist. And you wake on some of these new days, your breath shallow from the frightening realization that you have nothing but your self. Tell yourself you are enough. Fill your emptyness with your self. You have nothing else. Nothing. You don't want anything. You never did. The sad song wrote you your fate at 7, already dispelling everything you could have had. But it's just one of those days. To morrow and you will revert. Flip over, subside. Back to the only thing you know how to think. And you'll have a new mission, a new bright idea, a new song, a new one liner, a new favorite colour, a new posing expression, a new thing to discover, a new eye liner color, a new conversation to have, a new path, in your old forest.

Hurricane dreams

2012-01-12T00:33:00.001+05:30

Charge me on a flying whisper
don't stop, don't go, don't leave me
Turn me round, breathless universe high
spin in, spin out, spin over me, collide
Find me a way in to, blanket out off
fill me, fill my bones, flow over, spill
Keep me, somewhere, o still
x

I'll be a an out-and-out, born again from none more cynical.

2012-01-10T14:27:00.001+05:30

"Thank god I have brain and wit apart from all my dreamy lost-ness. Thank god I'm smart and can pick myself up from any where. Thank god for the nerd in me. Thank god I can even understand Chemistry and begin to love it."
"She shot you down with the same bullet that runs through your blood."
"You are so supernaturally scary, it's not even funny."
"I know that's creepy. Guess that makes me a creep."

"I've locked her up in her beloved imaginary world and left her there, with her excessive dreams and fantasies. There was never a place for her in the real world. And while I'm out here, thanks to you, I've found what to be. And I'm liking it, I'm like the thunder, and I will destroy."

"Line your eyes in red for the eyes of only one other. They won't spot it. The other others won't see."
"Heartbroken in one thing I will never be. I don't know what that is like. The word does not exist for me."
"Have ignored the real world too long now. Gotta clean up a few places before I settle here, temporarily."
"Oh I've got all these exams to give but I'm not complaining cause I'm awesome."

-Bon Iver- Skinny love.

"I never want things from people. But sometimes, I want people."
"Sometimes I want to bewitch everybody in the world and make them see things like I do."
"The black hole grew and grew, till the big bang from which were born uncountable millions of stars."
"Should've told you to look at how I like you. And that that's all. For me, it begins and ends there and I used to live in the endless in betweens. Now I can live on the outside, in the real thing."

"Cause I love you? No. Can't help but Love, you know." - Frou Frou- Breathe in.
"Nothing is for you or about you, just through you."
"I'm special and I'm indispensable."
"I just can't like people who like how things work in the world."

"When the one who makes your dreams is also the one who wakes you up, every thing is alright."
I am you and what I see is me - Pink Floyd- Echoes
"Welcoming the self protective ego."
I let my music take me where my heart wants to go. - Cat Stevens- The Wind
"I am more of a 'take on' person than a 'reach out' person."

Science.

2012-01-09T21:19:00.000+05:30

1. Just one of those days I feel so damn awesome about myself existing. There was this poor bent, breaking tree I found in the park and it needed my help so Dash and I went looking for a rope to tie it up with. Twas kinda difficult with just the two of us trying to hold and tie the tree up in various ways. Thank god Simi came and then she was so good with the tying. We managed to prop the tree up and it won't break now. I feel so good. Though the darling tree's still slightly bent, permanently, like me. :') I think I'm in love. Who needs boys when we've got trees. And that awesome day last week, when it had rained, I tried to hear a tree's heart beat. I put my palm on it's upper bark and my face between the fresh leaves and shut my eyes and breathed. It was so still that day, no one was around and no wind, nothing. And I could hear the tree breathing. Best feeling in the world. I could feel its blood (chlorophyll) move through it, and momentarily be connected to my blood. BEST feeling in the world. I am nature sexual. I am rain sexual and thunder sexual and moon sexual and tree sexual and leaf sexual. I'm not sure about flowers, everyone loves them already.
2. Day before, there was crazy hail and so much thunder I was excitedly frightened. And I got off my study table because how can I study chemistry when the rain calls me. And then I was in the balcony listening to Thunder (the song and the phenomena) Oh why can't every day be like this? But then, if it was, it'd probably lose its beauty.
3. Mom was telling me that the night I was born, 1.30 am 30th June, mid of the year, the first rain of the season happened. And till before that, it had been melting-ly hot. It rained and thundered and it was a crazy night with sudden, super heavy cloud burst type rain. I am thunder's child and the rain's my mother. I think I'm lightening.
4. Just now, Chait, mom, mama and I were discussing how all the scientist people don't believe in Literature and Art and other abstracts. Chait was like, why would anyone want to study a language? I knoww, well. And then about how musicians and literary people like idk, Picasso, Shakespeare, were not bothered about physics or maths. They were probably repulsed by it. So I was thinking about myself. I'm a nerd at heart, I love Physics and Maths, but I also love Literature and I couldn't do without writing verses. Besides, I'm musical and pretty. But I study, I'm a nerd, I love knowledge about laws of physics as much as I love classic literature. What am I supposed to do? How do I choose what to study ahead? I love absract and imaginary, but I also love organic chemistry and studying about drugs. I can do anything. Where do I fit in in this world? I do not belong here at all. I am torn between real and imaginary and best thing is, no one will understand to what extent.
5. Connecting physics and imagery. Physics-literature. I am the creator.

Machine.

2012-01-08T13:43:00.000+05:30

She tried to laugh at the roundness of the white machine.
"Look mom! It's so big and round. Am I gonna go inside it? All the way in?"
But Mom could read the extreme fear she was trying to hide.
"Don't worry, baby, it's just a scan. They're going to give you that buzzer, just press it if you don't like it in there and I'll be sitting outside. Close your eyes, keep them closed."
She took off her clothes and slipped into the long weird white robe. Shaking. She didn't even know what the name of this machine or this scan or this place was. She didn't know what was going to happen inside the machine. She didn't know what good this would do. But Mom said it was just another one of the tests and that it was the last one. And she trusted Mom. She couldn't cry in front of Mom. She couldn't watch her Mom break down. Mom was so strong.
She remembered all the car journeys back from the hospital. That long road, the front view mirror she was afraid of. She didn't want Mom to see her crying in the back seat, through the mirror. She didn't know what was going to happen. Life had been so normal, so smooth, and then.. But she didn't know what this all was. She was only 11. She hadn't learnt enough biology, didn't have enough vocabulary or enough mind to figure things out. Suddenly, she didn't know anything about the world and what was happening to her. What was going to happen?
She lay on the white sheets of the bed sort of thing that had to go into the machine. A woman, probably a nurse, came and put a belt around her waist. She had to keep her hands over her chest, with the buzzer under them.
"Press this if something goes wrong."
Every thing is going wrong, she thought. What help would this stupid buzzer be?
"Do I have to go in already, mom?"
Wasn't there going to be time to think of what was going to be inside there? Weren't they going to give her time to get used to the fact that she was going to be inside a machine for half an hour? Was no body going to tell her what was inside? Was no body going to come and explain, give instructions and tell her what it was going to be like? Didn't they know how big this was to her? Won't they come and tell her it wasn't so big a thing? But no body came. And Mom did not know. They were both helpless, afraid, but giving each other some strength.
She wiped her tears with one hand, careful to not touch the buzzer with it. What if tears got radiated inside? She didn't want to die. Was she allowed to speak from inside, she wanted to know. But the nurse didn't answer. She wasn't sure she actually put that question out loud though. And just like that, her head was rested on an elevation on the bed and the trolley pulled the bed in.
Darkness. What?
She'll never know what the machine looked like from the inside. Her eyes were too tightly shut. Too afraid to have tears streaming down her face. Water was not good for machines, she knew.
She could feel a tunnel covering her, as her head lay in the hollow. And then suddenly, the sounds began. Vibrations, noises- humming, roaring, beeping, beating, thumping, moving- loud and resonating inside her head, all around. Her ears and head- drumming. Overwhelming sounds that made her lose track of the thudding of her heart beat. In those moments, she knew nothing except for the sounds. All her troubles were gone. And although her breath came shallow and slow, for she was still afraid of dying, she knew her mind was forgetting. Forgetting the buzzer. No. She must not forget the buzzer, she must not let it go.
Perhaps the noises will stop now. Or maybe now. But they didn't stop. And after a while, she grew used to them, almost to the extent of liking. But they were inducing a sort of sleepiness inside her. She always fell asleep on trains when she was smaller because of the rocking noise. And all these noises and slight rockiness was putting her to sleep. No. She must not fall asleep. Something could go wrong. So she fought sleep, listening to the sounds, creating songs in her head. Through all the music, she could hear Mom saying something. "Kuhuuuu, are you fine?" and she sounded sweet and melodious. So nothing was wrong.
Then it all stopped, as suddenly as it had begun. Sudden silence. Her head was confused. The music still went on inside her head. She opened her eyes and there was light. She was in the room again. "Lets go home, please." She forgot to wear back her clothes, but the nurse reminded her. There was nothing in her head. Nothing. Except the noises. The sounds.
The sounds that haunted her at night for years after.

But she's changed now. 7 years have added too much strength and hardness to her once fragile and innocent little soul. And as she sits in her study table, shaking from reliving the memory of the machine, she realizes that her child brain could not possibly have known what she knows now. She also realizes how unfair it all was. But the present her would tell her that she's so unique and special that she was chosen to go through it all, so that she could be the substance-full individual she is now.
But if she could go back to that day, with her new personality, she would have let go off the buzzer. She would have kept her eyes open. She would have replied to her mother outside, telling her that she was alright. She would have breathed inside the machine and she would not have had any tears to keep shut her eyes on. But then again, she would never have gone inside the machine had she known what she was to find to save herself. She would not have been afraid.

Moon and rain.

2012-01-08T09:46:00.001+05:30

Don't take me back to that night, please. It makes me shiver.
I've spent countless thoughts and innumerable plays of songs on my phone inside the warmth of my blankets, thanking them for the covering over my disoriented head and for company. I've spent entire days trying to cry and then wondering why it is so difficult. And somewhere in the pages of the books I read, the songs I sang and the ukulele strings I touched, I found my self. And I liked what I found. I liked how detached and cold and strong I became. How every single thing apart from my self lost meaning and emotions lost meaning too. If anything is 'emotional numbness', this probably is. I had myself inside walls, protected, but crazy on the outside, taking care to not lose that, to smile at every thing, still. It was perfect, I could live, quite content, with my self. But one word from that night, one conversation of un-heard things I'd thought would be too trivial to attest, one line about me that is not me, and the night comes creeping back. Shivers. And not even the latter half of it, only the worst. If my walls break down every time I'm taken back to that night, I must not leave it. The feeling of begin interpreted, uprooted, naked against my wishes, misunderstood. I won't go back there. But I won't leave there, again. I must make it leave, with me. Un-said needs to be said. I need to rain. Leaving my self out there to be wrongly read again is one thing I will not allow. Let me speak. Because I can't keep having this on me. I was wrong to think it would never come back over. It does and it makes me shiver and there's only one way to make it go away and even though that way is difficult, I must have it.

2 am

2012-01-07T10:34:00.000+05:30

I tried to erase all the lines you made

colorful gashes on my deep grey slate

but lost my self in between.

I tried to cut lose the ropes we played

connecting together our shining fate

but they tangled me within.

Why do you fascinate me so?

I was just trying to not let this grow.

And so I turned you to magic inside my head

As imaginary took over and sweeping waves

woke me from my inner dead.

I watched your world get closer

you laughter shivering my soul

so wonderful to me.

I heard your words like crystals

cut shining and silver

so precious to me.

Why do you fascinate me so?

I was just trying to not let this grow.

And so I turned you to magic inside my head

Oh I had to have something that would

wake me from my inner dead.

- This song's for Yatin.
It's the only real thing I've ever written for someone else.
Could only happen cause it was past 2 am that night i couldn't sleep.

Inspired by the sudden scary yet tantalizing weather I'm in love with.

2012-01-07T00:30:00.000+05:30

OLE
Drink, the Earth's scent, rising above,
already awakened from its foggy mist,
aroused by the touch of Rain.

In a fresh, fragrant, fast fervor,

breathe in, drink it down,

let it seep you in.

Dance, with the Lightening's cry,

ephemeral fire to the sky,

bleeding down Rain.

Blanketed by cracking, roaring white thunder,

feel the hard hail melt into you,

kiss the cold remains off your fingertips.

From your changing contentments, what will you choose for to share?

2012-01-06T15:06:00.005+05:30

It is difficult to even try to understand a person who is so like me and yet so unlike me. I never need to try. But being 'not reachable' is the biggest fear, the only thing I couldn't bear. It will all make a great book one day, with all our substance, together as one. If everything was normal, I'd be so bored. What would I write about? Who will I write from? That, would exhaust all my will to live. This? This is fun. Makes me infinitely happy. I've been happy in the true sense of the word. There's a lot of blood thumping inside me. There are new things to conquer and new ideas to live on. But I need you in my life because without you I get so terribly bored. "Don't let this affect you." I see what was seen before the words, perhaps. I am above and beyond trivial things like love. They do not affect me, no. I refuse. Refuse myself. Refusal is elegance, Coco Chanel taught me that. And you need me to be this way. That's what the truth is. I'm shouting it, loud and clear. Using words like need which do not make way into you. All my resolutions of not writing seem stupid. I refuse to let anything take command of how I know things. I'm not a past person anymore. I live in the future, always. And in the present when I wish to get away. I'm out there, making things happen. All happy. And I know what was meant by "Nothing has to change." because you still are. I still am, here, moving to shelter myself now because I've been made to realize the chill that can melt me. Although, I remain protected, fresh and silken, yet barren, with my thoughts creating pink wave forms that melt around me leaving that fragrance I love. [Alcohol? (ROH)] So many things I had to tell, to speak, to get out of me. So many things that lose their importance as they make their way through my naive mind when I actually try to talk. Making me feel so damn stupid all the time must be a quality. I hate it. But it's exclusive. To whom, I fear to say. Exclusivity, newness, freshness that springs from depths of familiarity. That bridge over which you walk, taking the old and turning it anew and beautiful. That, I live on that. Life's awesome if it feels like a Coldplay song. If I feel like I'm living inside the pages of Crime and Punishment, and we can alternate roles as Raskolnikov or Sofya, life's still beautiful. There aren't too many things I need or ask for. I hate to be indebted, in any way. I like to be my own even as you are your own. That's one important thing I've learnt. To be mine. I really can't help it though, if I only fall for people whose eyes speak. My weaknesses have found themselves at the mercy of others, so used that it leaves me even more vulnerable. I must close this blog again later. I guess only your inspiration can make use of your strength or even make you use your strength. Sometimes, those two hit you together because they are essentially the same. It scares the breath out of me, but I am strong as never strength was seen. It gives me odd pleasure to be like I am. And if you don't like it, it makes me want to be this way even more. Oh, it's fun. I like fun. I get bored so easily that I must always create. And the world out here does not let me create, so I use the one within. And forgive me for I get so lost sometimes. But I have no place in me for any thing else now. It's too dangerous to tell someone what they are to you. The only thing that bothers me and that I will not be able to give a place to is the sexuality. I know my mind, I make it. I have no control over the body, I can not make it think.
"If you know what I mean."
"I always know what you mean."
Although, I never let surity get to me. It bores me most terribly.
And when I throw my self out into the rain, remember to hold me, away, to you, because you know how what love I have for the rain, you know how mad the rain makes me.
But take me to morrow and I can change how I'm thinking at the moment.
But the way things have unfolded, those, I wouldn't change even if I had the power to. I like it.
Right now I feel like this is the most important thing I've ever put to words.
But take me to morrow and I might change that.

La la la layf

2012-01-05T15:57:00.000+05:30

These days, I've been,

1. Thinking while doodling on the back of physics registers.

2. Not been taking any pre board stress so I can survive board stress and not go mad.

3. Eating wayyyy too much awesome stuff cause mom and bro are home and they love to cook. I like my pizza crust burnt.

4. Hogging on Chocopie. Bliss. (lol together forever, yessss)

5. Walking around at night too much. Love.

6. Reading too much Gone with the Wind on the bed whenever I can find even 5 minutes to. But always been ending up spending like an hour inside it.

7. Been TRYING to study. Ha ha.

So every single time I step in to shower, while I'm singing some frou frou song, I get the most amazing one liner thoughts ever. And I repeat them over and over to try to memorize them so I can put them down on my phone drafts after my bath. 'This is the most important thought of your life, Kuhu, you have figured everything with it.' And I curse the world for not inventing water proof paper because mostly, I forget the thought amidst all the scent of chamomile shampoo and morrocan argan oil conditioner. [yes, I use exotic lotions and potions that add to my fame. oh i love that song.]
So here are three thoughts over the past 2 days [i bathed thrice] that made their way to the phone and hence the blog and I actually turned them into verse- http://kuhu9.wordpress.com/ - Sun, You are your own and Longing. I don't like Sun. I loved the thought behind it- The baring of self even in winter when the sun's near. The nakedness infront of the sun. The un-required-ness of clothes (walls) with the sun.
My inspiration, behind every thing I've ever written and liked, is just one thing. The one thing I write best about. So I wrote a LOT of essays in the past two months. But I liked only one out of the lots. The one I wrote on 'A person who has had a significant influence on me'. I also liked the one I wrote about myself but I had to edit that to degrees of alienation and so I lost my love for it. That person essay, I read it almost every week and whenever the net stops working and I have nothing else to do. I hope they don't judge me on how this person is a stranger boy whose name I have not even specified.
I've been having strange conversations with strange people lately. I don't like my left cheek at all. I hate how my only incentive to wake up in the morning is my crazy alarm irritations. I pre plan every day according to tuition or no tuition and when the math sir disappears randomly, I dislike it. Today's planned day's gone done wasted because Chait decided to make brocolli cheese for dinner and I love that but I have to go out :( Now I don't know what to do, when to go, gahhh. I hate when my plans drown me in.

x

2012-01-04T14:08:00.001+05:30

"I'm like Atlanta", she thought, "It takes more than Yankees or a burning to keep me down." - Scarlett O'Hara
[Gone with the Wind]
I'm like Scarlett O'Hara.

if it's like a song i will sing

2012-01-03T16:04:00.000+05:30

You are. And nothing else compares.

But you, and me, walk on walk on walk on. Cause you can't go back now.

"If only there could be an invention that bottled up a memory, like scent. And it never faded, and it never got stale. And then, when one wanted it, the bottle could be uncorked, and it would be like living the moment all over again." — Daphne du Maurier

Not gonna leave it until it's much too late. On a platform I'm gonna stand and say.. that I'm

I had to find you, tell you I need you, tell you I set you apart.

I am awesome.

2012-01-03T15:48:00.006+05:30

Just compared self to the Leaning Tower of Pisa that's how my brain found this picture, damn I love how everything falls into place in my subconscious mind.
Oh and in reference to the post below about how it's fun going to buy balance alone- Didn't have to go alone :D And really, it's not fun, it's scary, but then it wasn't after all, sob happy tears thank you fate.

Lyf

2012-01-02T16:49:00.001+05:30

So I've been thinking very less these days. Obviously since tha pre boards are on their wayy. I'm scared some times but at other times I'm super dooper confident of how much I've studied. But I AM scared about boards. There's just one month and that too one that does not have 30 days. I shall refuse to think and only slog. And not waste time blogging like this. :( I've got to buy balance today. Balance buying is a tiny sort of adventure always because going out alone at night on the road scares me to death. I'm not scared of the dark, I'm scared of cars with shining headlights in the night. I always return almost in tears. But too awesome to ask someone to come with me. It wouldn't be fun then. That picture above's a diptych (I'm in love with that word) that Sam made me. Hmhm, sometimes I feel pretty, yah. Why am I single again? Ohrightokay. [p.s- It's not there anymore, I removed it cause it was too pretty. Yes.] Atm, I'm sitting in my orange astronaut jacket and I look like a big orange ball of an astronaut who requires lip balm very badly. And water, yes. I must keep drinking water because I tend to forget and then feel all kinds of dizzy. I've made this 'study schedule' and it's a bit too hectic. Looks like I'll have to forgo some of tha awesome day time sleep and stop waking up at 10 am. Gah. I've been trying to not be lazy. Do it now- is the new motto. Chait's back from Orrissa and we've been fighting over the computer timings and the study table again. Ah, I missed this. And I can't remember when he became so big. I've been doing maths all mornin and should be doing physics right now, ah. So on the 30th, it was my half yearly birthday and mom called Dash and Prya over for lunch cause it seems she too wants to reestablish the trio, lol. Felt like 4th grade times :') We had pizzas and bluberry cake and lemon tarts. I love lemon tarts ok. I have a horrible lip cut atm. It doesn't show it the picture somehow but there's this red line on my top lift on the left and it hurts. And I think my eyes are too big to be normal. 31st night was horrible and boring. I don't know what I was expecting because this year I wasn't expecting anything. But I just did not want to be there at all.And mostly, I was not. I felt so distant I hated it. Something was so wrong with me that night. Or was it me? What was it that I wanted to blog about? oh yeah, lyf. Lyf's okay. Waiting. For things to end. Oligopoly is the second coolest word. Lets move on. YDAY WAS THE BEST WEATHER EVER EVER EVER. It was so quite and calm and slightly rainy and the SMELL OMGG I was hyperly happy. Best beginning of the year ever. (weather wise) And I wanted to be outside allll dayyyy. Met Kewl clan in the evening but needed to pee so badly, went home. Came back with Priya around 9 pm and the weather was still so awesome. "I'm just gonna sit here and NOT move till he comes and stands right where you're standing but reaches my face cause he's taller and then and then and then and then kisses me." Oh, I am quite mad but I love Dash [she has to listen to all such kinds of insane stuff I say when I'm sadly-extra-happy] And Chia and I were discussing how we're all poking out from the earth somewhere, hanging in space, somewhere, nowhere. Socool. I've decided to not give a damn about anything anymore. Except padhaai. I wanted to leave all my emotionality behind with 2011 because 2011 was super full of emotionality. "I was sad yday because I wanted paneer tikka and I went to get paneer tikka but no one else wanted to share paneer tikka with me then when I came later to get paneer tikka because I really wanted paneer tikka, there was no paneer tikka left and I was sad because I wanted paneer tikka so badly." True story. Still craving. It's 2nd January, again. I wish I go back back three years and start from there, again. Rewind please. We've done it all wrong from there. Oh why wasn't I old and introspective enough to think that my innocent feeling fullness will lead to such crazy crazyness in the future? I would've perhaps done this differently if I had known. But then again, I would've perhaps not. But take us back, we've gone and done this all wrong and the only consolation is that everything is full of substance. I could've made myself not want this. I did try to. Why did I go back to it? But wait, I'm not gonna think till pre boards end.

December photos.

2012-01-02T01:01:00.000+05:30

3rd December 8 pm- When the big yellow lights were on and they made me happy.

Mom makes me swirly hot chocolate every night, with coffee in it.

One day (night) I played baddy. Pink and red forever.

Ukulele and new cool patterned pyajama Nani got.

Elle.

Favorit shades of pink dhoti pants.

Adorable Joker. When I was missing Chait very much. But probably a freaky photo.

30th December- Half yearly birthday

My yellow and blue room.

Morning sun- Bedside book forever.

I made the book pose for me.

Self new year.

2012-01-01T11:34:00.001+05:30

You try to sign in with your old password and your blog tells you it's been 43 days to the new one.
42 days of trying.
I won't let this one fail me.
And as you wake up, with three rays of sun through your yellow curtain falling on your face, you realize that you've come to terms with the world and with how it treats you, so much so that even after the worst kind of failure day, you lie down in bed with a contented smile on your face that surprises you; but you smile, you smile at how you've won over the world only because you've learnt its ways. You've won. [question marks may way for full stops]
Drag yourself back home singing into the empty lift area, your sweet voice echoing, alone:
"May all my troubles soon be gone. Oh Christmas light keep shining on."
But you don't know how or why you've become what you've become.
You are now the person who will end herself with laughter, going crazy in your sadistic, egoistic pleasure that makes you smugly pity him who never got to know you.
You are a star, shining, like your tears at night, too afraid to fall.
It's all good, if it makes you create.
"I couldn't recognize you, you look very different now!"
Was it the annoying music or the onions or the bland bubbling soda or the yellow lights that weren't red, or the blackness of people's dresses or the heat or the sips o whiskey or the kohl on your eyes or the wooden dance floor or your happy friend or the lonely light or the tracing of footsteps or the failed attempts at being friendly or the failed attempts at smiling or the fact that boards are coming or the strange stare, that made you leave, with mad vengeance bursting inside you, waiting to come out.
'I'm sick of my un expressed expressions that you always just know before I let them even reach you. You never let me express. You never let me rain. Sometimes I need to rain.'
Said and done everything that was to be over with 2011. Except one thing that follows on.
You didn't want it to follow you, through this night. Perhaps its permanence required for the happenings to happen.
I don't want to look at people.
But you see, you've got to realize, no one deserves you.
You are so much your own.
It gives you power, it makes you grin. No, you're not that helpless, sad, depressed chic. You're fire and hail and frosty thunder and white horses running across barren fields.
You are what you would once have thought of him.
Perhaps you were distant only because you wanted to be close.
Understand how I function? This is it.
Crazy amounts of egotism that springs from the want of self protection.
There are some things you need more than others and Self is on the top of that mountain. You've had a rough climb, but you've won, you're here, you've won yourself.
You are your own.
The only reason you found for your love has now turned to you, become you.
Guess normal was too much to expect.
Night time resolutions for 2012-
- Refuse to try. Refuse to think. Refuse to be.
Refusal is elegance.
I have big eyes.

Year end thanks- Part 3

2011-12-31T01:03:00.001+05:30

KEWL CLAN
*drumroll*
A special thank you post to my kewl clan. Because you guys are the ones I want to be with every evening of my life. I'm getting all kinds of senti because well, year end, and next year, I really don't know where I will be. Hopefully still sitting on the three green park benches here, with you guys. Thanks for making everything- from my birthday to the festivals to random cold evenings and summer vacation- special and awesome. And for being one permanent thing in my life that I can always turn to. For being the kind of friends who I can look for when I need and be sure to find. Thanks for understanding me, each one of you in your own way. This is to us and to how we can not talk for months but still pick off from where we left and be just the same. Because Kewl Clan is awesome, even though basketball days are over.

Year end thanks- Part 2

2011-12-31T00:52:00.002+05:30

2011's people-
In addition to the first list, here's more. I'd have to write endlessly if I write about every friend, because too many people to thank. This is specifically for people who have been significant in my life this year in some way (or if i just have love for you)

Boy-who-had-sex- I'm gonna write the first things that come to my head. Thank-you sounds lame, doesn't sound like enough, when I think of all the things you've done for me. You actually shoved nutella bread in my mouth, forcing me to eat. Haha, that sounds wrong, hahahaha. And then you played me a song when I was crying, who else would do that for me? And you make me so mad sometimes because of your obstinate, irritating ways :P But I love you in-spite of all that. We have a strange, deep connection, I know. I don't think we'll ever lose that, although recently, it's been a bit faded.. I don't think we're too good for each other, because we affect each other in harmful ways. Oh god, I know now you're gonna PESTER me to tell you what exactly I mean and when I tell you that I can't put it to words, you're gonna say "Yes you can. Say it." aaaand give me that 'lowered eyes staring with that penetrating look' expression and you're gonna keep pestering me till I try to explain :P But you know what, don't. Thanks man. Thanks for listening to me, for desciphering the ups and downs of life with me, for asking me to sit with you, for playing the keyboard and singing with me even though we made a fool out of ourselves, for being yourself. Really, this could go on. But I don't need to tell you these things, you already know. "You know me better than I do." Just maroying your dialogue :P I don't know how true it is though. Recently, I've been contradicting all your theories, feeling contradictory feelings, I've been changing. And I see you, as you are, [in your thinking pose, lol] and I hope we remain the same. See you in Motibagh after boards ;D
[arre yeh toh sabse lamba ho gaya]

Kiss-him-girl- 10 years. 10 f-ing years. 10 years that will remain with us. Through them, we'll remain, in them. I can't thank you for innumerable moments through these years, that would take days. In particular, this year, thanks for giving me your amazing, encouraging, spirit lifting advice. I love you. You inspire boldness and pluck in me and you make me want to take on my life with a crazy spirit and just let go and do what I want.

Yokohama- You're my silent strength. I miss you all the time, but I know you're right there. When you hold my arm and say "That's a good thing, Kuhu.", everything becomes alright. Seeing your face makes me light up. I shall steal you, soon. :)

I-heart-NY- I know you won't read this, perhaps ever, because you're too busy looking busy, haha. I'm glad I met you, this year. You make me feel happy and cared for and a little bit special. That's a sort of confession. I totally dislike you sometimes, when you make me sad, when you judge me. But I know you're one person who'll be there, you are for keeping. It's such fun, with you. About you, I can go on and on, because there are too many things I've never told you, or anyone else about what you are to me. Thanks for telling me ghost stories on my birthday night, texting me philosophical thoughts at 3 am, for jumping in the lifts, for immitating solution and cockroach and making me laugh insanely, for drinking coke every day, for naming a dog after me, for making me watch shutter island, for wearing pink shirts, for giving zero 'male protection' lol, for too many otherrr thingsss, and for in general keeping me company when I needed it. :* Don't make fun of my hair, just cause yours is awesome. And keep throwing rocks at me. :\ Sigh, I hope you get balance.

Ost-wald- I get automatically amused and happy when I see you. Class has been full of awesome-ness and laughter because of you. I think you are the coolest boy ever. Cool is just the most perfect word for you.

Agent weirdo- Thanks for trusting me, boy. For calling me after I broke up. I'll always remember how much you cared. And then pretended not to. Typical you. For being my dumper boyfriend and also husband for a minute, even though you deny it now. You're a complicated person, and an interesting one to get to know. I believe I know you a lot now. And I'm always here whenever you need to talk. And I'll always know exactly what you need to talk of. I hope you figure out life through a bright tinted lens, and not just see the world through a glass, darkly. I wish you all the love you have in you and I care about you very much, like an elder sister.

Doggy- Spending time with you was crazy fun. Why have you gone. I miss you. Just got to know you more this year and then you bloody left and took with you all the crazyness from the colony. You're as weird as you think I am. And although I should get annoyed with you for trying to poke my boobs with that cool plant we found, or for hiding my specs and laughing at me, but I don't get annoyed because I love you. To me, somehow, you'll always be really small, like you used to be when I earlier knew you. I always feel older. Except when you give serious lectures and advice on how to live happily. But some of the advice was crazy, okay, like 'watch anime' hahah. But thanks, for being so concerned.

Stars and Boulevards- Augustana

2011-12-30T18:47:00.001+05:30

Wait dear, a white horse is walking down my street here,
Your words are creeping at my feet
I fear, sunrise will come too soon and you'll disappear
Into the haze of this city and go south.

Look out, they're coming after us with big guns,
They're only gonna tell you all the bad things I've done
Even if the words they say aren't true they've won,
Now I'm left here dying in the sun

Oh...seems like I'm always on my own,
Seems like I'm never coming home
Seems like I'm always on my own.
All the stars and boulevards aren't close enough for you.

Late nights, won't do me justice
Cause when I drink, I just get so damn depressed,
And its not like, I ain't trying to get over you.
It's just hard to look at all the seasons, pass me over too.

Oh...seems like I'm always on my own,
Seems like I'm never coming home
Seems like I'm always on my own...
All the stars and boulevards ain't close enough for you.

One last phone call from you, it wouldn't hurt much,
Just like to hear your voice and pretend to touch,
Any inch of you that hasn't said it all or read it all or sung
My life away

Year end thanks- Part 1

2011-12-30T00:18:00.001+05:30

2011's people-
Alright, sometimes, I know I hate everyone. And I don't like how my life has so much of others in it. But with people like you, I allow myself to live. [I'm giving a fresh set of personal codes to everyone so that they're the only ones who could figure out it's them I'm talking about]

Encounter girl- Walking arm in arm with you and bear hugging you is one of the best feelings, specially in winter because your fluffy sweaters are so warm. I know that's kind of gay and I know boobs come in between but still, you know, I'm truly grateful for your existence in my life again. It's turned rainbow-like colorful ever since you returned and you bring the child spirit back in me ;) Thanks for always listening to my crap about the boy and my songs and other sad stuffs. I love you, be my boyfriend. You are an insane, cute, silly, vibrant and beautiful person and yes I will set you up for lots of dates in some months. Haha. Your specs are in.

Kolaveri Di- Surrrrre you were only walking so much just to re establish our trio ;) You know what, you're the coolest person in my life, ever since we've been babies, and we'll always have crazy fun with encounter girl. We probably have toooo many inside stuff to even speak about but what makes us awesome is how we can always understand each other, through our differences, and go back to being like we were in 4th. You're the fun one, I think I'll be bored without you now so you ought to stick around so we can continue with our crazy, bold pranks. Hardly worth saying cause you do stick around and have been for quite long now. Senti hug and loads of love for you.

Pigeon- I have secret love for you. You are my favorite and also the most amazing girl I know. I could sit and hear you all day long. Nuff said.

Boy-who-ALMOST-forgot-my-url- There isn't much to say to you, but I just want to thank you for having existed for me. We've always been similar, specially in how we feel towards each other. And in that we continue to be similar, even though we have changed over the years. We've seen each other change, we've known a lot of each other, we've been so close that we wished to be apart. But it's been an experience I will always look back at with cute smiles. Taught me a lot and I've finally figured out how we are the way we are, thankyou for that. I hope this doesn't 'offend' you ~_~

Starfield- I miss you so terribly. I know we're both busy and all and we still try to meet as much as possible, but I miss you all the tiiiiiiiiiiime. But I know that we'll never be distant or change. Because you're my love and I trust you the most and you're the one with whom I can completely be myself at all times. You're there when I need to talk about bra sizes or when I need to talk about the basketball past or when I want to sing or just cry. And you know me the most. Talking to you about anything and everything and picking off from where we'd left. We've had some memorable times. You are my hot best friend and always will be :') I have crazy possessiveness about you, I hope you know, haha.

Alpha- Apart from every other magical thing too known to us to articulate, I want you to know, that you are my only inspiration. And that what you mean to me is not what my blog can ever tell you. I like to think that you know this, I always believe in your ability to just know me. I believe you are the most amazing boy I know. It's an innocent belief. Like I believe in Santa Claus. And no body's allowed to destroy my innocent beliefs, not even you. Although you try to not let me, I belong to you. To stay. Thanks for being so much your own. You teach me the most important things, always. You make me feel.

Janpath- I've finally realized that you are an inseparable part of me. What else can I say? Kj <3 Vj.

Girly- Hahahahah, I'm sorry, but it's so much fun taking your case :P I love the look on your face and I love brainwashing you after you come up to me in your walk. Hahah. I'm so happy we're close again, after like a gap in 11th :P Talking about boys with you is the most fun thing. And yes, I hope we always keep singing together :) Lovee.

:3 boy- Heylo! Ah, where should I begin. I told you, I don't even know how we're friends. We're so diametrically opposite, except that I've become like you in how I 'think' (if you know what I mean) :P If you don't then- :3. HAHAH. I must admit, I'll have to attribute (meaning of attribute- to explain something by telling the cause or origin) my 'Awesomeness' to you to a great extent. Man you're the one I can talk about everything with. Deep things to which your responses sometimes surprize me, intimate sexual talks, :| conversations and just random things like sappenin. Everything, I can tell you everything.
You taught me to be open and frank and to speak my mind. You taught me to not be afraid to say what I think and to shed some inhibitions. And you really know how to be a good friend. You're so sensitive, but that's a good thing- it's not un manly so relax :P Hehe. You're awesome and I wouldn't know who to text all kinds of things all the time if I didn't know you. What would I have done without you. Class would've also sucked. You make me happy. I love you, and I gave you your name :D This year has been awesome because of you.

Haircut-girl- Thank god for your existence. My eyes get to see awesome prettiness in class every day, otherwise I'd be tortured by sights of crazy boys all the time :P It's been awesome being with you for 4 years and and and you are the hi to my hunh hunh hunh's : ) My original (and then stolen) partner, I love you, you are so effortlessly awesome at all times. Big bird would love to read so much of lesbian love. I'm going to miss you like anything, but I'd like to imagine us in the same class even in college next year :D Keep in touch and reply to texts, hahaa.

xx

2011-12-29T16:16:00.002+05:30

A thought from September 2011
"I know he likes me, but I don't think he would want me because why would anybody want something they already have?"

I am necessity, base of the recipe, I'm the rain.

2011-12-29T16:07:00.000+05:30

"Wild nature is the ongoing dream of the earth, and we are essential components of that dream. Our individual night dreams are strands of the earth’s dream, just as our bodies are part of the earth’s body." — Bill Plotkin

"You think I like you only because you want to think I like you."
"As scared to be loved as you are of loving."
"Every time I say I'll kill you, I do kill you inside my head. It feels nice."
"Then I met a boy from the past and he reminded me of who I used to be. And I felt the need to find myself again. The only things that remain in the present me from the past are those that were there from his time. Back to 8th grade. Funny thing is, I ended up finding him instead of myself. And then I tried looking around, blindly searching, too scorched to know anything about me."
"Because I was, even at that time, inseparable. I had to go through it all to be able to return."
"Last year end, when everything was about to begin, I had dreams and pretty anticipations but it didn't leave me as disappointed as I'm going to be left this year end. Away and apart. I don't like it."
"Because when I think of you, I don't feel so alone." - Vanilla Twilight
"Self acceptance after you try to run from yourself only to return to yourself. But, is it you that you return to? Or is it the situations, happenings, thoughts, things and people from your past?"

Tear.

2011-12-29T00:21:00.001+05:30

I stare into your eyes till mine can no longer see.
In the soft quietness of the night, I hear it drop, travel, slow.
A tear. Cleaning my right cheek.
I stare at you as I feel it sliding
down my throat,
becoming you
as it moves down, slow,
shining, crisp and warm against my naked flesh.
In that moment
I feel nothing but you.
Fragile trail of a magic wave, wet.
You seep through my skin, into me
and there, I let you remain
because
I love how you feel.

So close.
x

In your face!

2011-12-27T23:33:00.000+05:30

I was remembering the time I stood for the Student Council and was confused about what post to chose so I chose HEAD GIRL because I like to be on the top or no where. Jump head first right IN.
I was also remembering how my name was recommended for SELF DISCIPLINE in the Personality Trait awards last month. Haha what a joke.
I also remember the times I decided to NOT play for the farewell last year because I felt no one deserved to hear me if they couldn't be more supportive about it. Ego burn.
I remember Bharat once observed how I'm ALWAYS smiling and everyone else agreed. Oh but that IS true, I'm always amused by a lot of things at once and I'm smiling to myself mostly. But they interpreted that as always being happy. Hah.
I will never forget the time in July this year when I decided to make the class side board. All alone, because NO ONE liked my idea of turning the board into a PINK BUILDING. (I realized later how Howard Roark the whole thing was) Too absurd, wouldn't work, they said. Even my friends said that. Except Vj, and she helped me because she's the only one who knows. But I made the building on my own, I did. And everyone loved it because it was the most awesome work of art ever. Not showing off, but, yes, I made a legit building.

This song = Passing Afternoon = my blog.

2011-12-27T23:08:00.001+05:30

There are names across the sea, only now I do believe
Sometimes, with the windows closed, you'll sit and think of me.
x

there are times that walk from you like some passing afternoon

2011-12-27T20:50:00.000+05:30

How the state of mind changes-
Yday- I am sad and I hate everyone because I feel so distant and basically everything is wrong in life and I can't even study but I don't even care and I hate people, people suck and I feel so damn weak and I hate it because it makes me shaky and cold.
Today morning- Maybe I wouldn't fail the practical after all. I am awesome and I do not care.
Afternoon- Someone put me out. Back's killing me, so tired so tired and head hurts and I dislike everyone who I do not want tress-passing into my dark life. The only people for me are the ones I've known since babyhood. I can list only three and a half people.
I like how I can hate everyone and have you as an exception even though it is you I should be hating on.
Sometime later- You think of me only because you want you. You can never think of any thing you don't want to think about, subconsciously. Like, I don't want to think about pigeons. So I never think about pigeons.
Evening- Today, I have hate for you, and it's giving me this strange feeling and I do not like it. NOW you're being a f up. Doing this wrong. No, this isn't good for me no no no no no. Will I LET you do this to me? NO. I will be chape and annoying only because I need to be, alright. It was important. Oh god, it was important and now like all the millions and trillions of things I had to 'tell', I will fight this one out on my own.
Only because I'm awesome. I don't like leaving unsaid unspoken any more. I DON'T LIKE IT. Outside, not inside is what I need.
Night- Wow. I hate people.
"For now, whatta loser."
And the tears they follow after. No no I'm not sad, I'm awesome. I shall read Gone with the Wind now. I think pysical pain is translating into mental pain. Dear 2012, please happen.
Late night- Told to listen to 'Strange and Beautiful' by vj. Crying now. CRYING. OMG. Is this even possible. I do not cry.

I've been watching your world from afar
I've been trying to be where you are
And I've been secretly falling apart
Unseen
To me, you're strange and you're beautiful
You'd be so perfect with me
But you just can't see
You turn every head but you don't see me

I'll put a spell on you
You'll fall asleep
When I put a spell on you
And when I wake you, I'll be the first thing you see
And you'll realize that you love me

wisdom

2011-12-27T18:37:00.003+05:30

Conversation with Dash-
"I want to talk to him. It works like medicine. But, ego."
"It's your medicine, right? You have to take it. It won't come to you."
x

Autumn blew the quilt right off the perfect bed she made.

2011-12-26T18:26:00.000+05:30

Meanwhile- JAMES DEAN.
I could chose happy. I could chose easy and content and certain.
But these things, they bore me most terribly.
I've grown up not doing any normal-people things, and I've grown so completely away from them
that now, they're nothing but lame.
I would chose to be sad and cry, instead. Only because it's so difficult.
Pain, it makes me want more, makes me want to whirl inside it and about it
till I get so lost and dizzy that I finally stir myself in, miscibly.
I could chose to move on, and quite easily so.
But I dislike easy. I dislike happy.
You see,
It bores me most terribly.

Christmas lights- Coldplay

2011-12-25T20:30:00.000+05:30

Current state of mind thought bubbles read like this-
Feeling the power of the blog.
But I'm so mad that you can't have any long term effect on me because I will always love what I become, no matter how pathetic as long as it doesn't bore me.
Look what I've become. What's going to happen to us now? I'm sure you don't know either.
Misinterpreted me, you did. Look. Cheezy, cute, happy and love song-y is just not what I want. This? Is. I win.
My heavy heart is made of stone. And it's so hard to see ME clearly. I must be on my own and I don't want to be all alone.
Oh but I am never who I was the yester day.
But it's better to not have pent up emotions, really. They create less havoc outside than inside.
My fingers are at their torn and bleeding best. Eating flesh to the limit.
Lets do this (imaginary) hug again. It wasn't exclusive enough.
Feeling of self awesomeness that comes from not being understood by any body, not even those who you deemed to be higher than self in awesomeness.
Feeling powerful and self and yet so weak and attached.
Light up the fireworks in me. Merry Christmas.
"When you're still waiting for the snow to fall it doesn't really feel like Christmas at all."
Consoling self and fighting tears scolding self "No none of those girls are more awesome than you are, Kuhu."

crazily posting haha

2011-12-24T22:46:00.000+05:30

Last

film you watched Bend it like Beckham

song you heard Love and some verses- Iron and Wine

beverage you drank waterrr

thing you ate parantha, lol

text you received Big bird

time you cried 17th nov morn

time you laughed out loud yday

items you bought 4 bucks worth of shots

last book you read Gone with the Wind

last person you hugged i dont remember :( dash i think

inspiration post

2011-12-24T22:03:00.003+05:30

How can you be so mad and appealing and mystic and hateful and lovely all at once?

Is it cruel or kind not to speak my mind and to lie to you?

At one point you meant the words that you so eloquently articulated. But you didn’t know then; you had no clue that you would so suddenly change your mind. That the words of reassurance you uttered with confidence would come back to haunt you. You’d regret them. The second these combinations of spoken lies drifted out of your mouth you wish you could have taken them back. And I wish you had never spoken those words too. They have hinged themselves onto the inside of my scalp, dancing on my mind, taunting me. Some memories we just don’t need to hold on to, but our brain does it anyways. - parisheroinstars

You see, hope and faith take a myriad of disguises. For some people it’s the image of god, for others it’s the law of attraction and the universe, and then there’s me. To me, hope and faith are attenuated and invisible strings which have engulfed my entire body and when my soul feels heavy and drags my figure to the ground, these very strings pull me upright again. I always compare my dreams and imagination to water, a very simple liquid; when you do everything right and every piece falls into place, your dreams have this amazing tendency to solidify, just like water. But just like water, reality is always one step away from its deliquescent state. I am grateful that I am finishing this year with scars and experiences that were followed by valuable lessons which no money in the world could have bought me. Thank you 2011, for making me an even stronger person. - parisheroinstars (fav person on the internet)

If there is nothing to tie us together, then nothing can tear us apart.

“The moon is out tonight and I am stirring in the final remnants of both night and summer your voice still collecting in my ear and between my neck because I want to take you with me when I fall inside the clouds that carry pyramids and snowed mountains rivers white and sparkling and every ageless star that dared to mock my laughter with its dust and I am waiting darling waiting for you to find me between the pine and brick so that leaves can remain still while we enter each other like menthol mists while the birds signal bright eddies in expanse that nails my chest against the cold when I want to be warm between your shoulders ensconced in your breath and private recollection a reverie of what will be, what will be when September fades into the moon. I wish you were here.” - source unknown

"Into the night of the heart
Your name drops slowly
And moves in silence and falls
And breaks and spreads its water." — Excerpt from “Slow Lament” by Pablo Neruda

Music when the lights go out - Pete Doherty

Hide what's inside from you.

Merry Xmas!

Think I'm not going to put up my tree this year because Chait's not home till the first and I do not feel like waking up to the tree without him.

Think we're feeling stuck inside home all festive times. Think I have sudden want for going out with mommy, dad and Apple.

Think I'm talking like Apple. Think I miss my Apple.

f

2011-12-24T20:57:00.004+05:30

I hate every one.
I don't need any one.
All the words we'd never say come out and now we're all ashamed
but there's no sense in playing games when you've done all you could do.
x

miss me while you're looking for yourself out there

2011-12-24T15:39:00.001+05:30

Blog's public again. Of course, I am more important.
I do not feel because I feel. I feel because I wish to write.
Strange how my life is inflicted upon me by me only so I can write about it as I wish it.
I tell not the truth, but only what I wish was the truth.
I would like to think you did not horribly misunderstand me.
I like to know you don't know anything. But then again I wish you did.
Before this, I never wanted to bother you. I just wanted to let you be.
Leave you undisturbed just as you are and live inside my head. I kind of loved that, alright.
But now I want to and to some extent need to bother you.
If you don't like it, remember you brought it upon yourself.
And that I'm only doing what you have made right.
And try to understand me, but if you can't, try to understand that you can't.
But don't tell me that. I want to believe otherwise.
Innocent beliefs. Not so innocent anymore.
I'm actually talking about myself here, but everything I've written sounds like it's to you.
How did I even get so lost? I hate myself. I'll find something, I'm too strong.
Too strong to have anything that's not magical.
I won't have them. I won't have normalcy. It's boring.
This. I like this. Lets be friends. Lets do normal. No not a choice. An order, a command.

:D

2011-12-24T15:20:00.000+05:30

Nah, it's not over.

2011-12-24T15:09:00.000+05:30

Yday was supposedly the last day of school. Yet again. So last three days have been last days. 21st was the batch photo day. It was actually photo day and sadly finish-physics-practical-asap day. Also the cricket match which also meant photography in the backfield, sitting on the red stairs, eating hot samosas. Bird was playing the match and all the boys looked so small and cute for some reason. I felt sad coming back home but then people decided that we must all come on 23rd so that was cool. Still hasn't sunk in that there's something like last day of school. Prolly never will. But anyhow. On the 22nd I slopped around at home, doing absolutely nothing and then feeling guilty about it. 23rd was so vella and nostalgic. Lots of hugs in the corridors. There was the Christmas assembly with old carols and I found a gingerbread house on display that I secretly stole gems and icing off. Felt so young yday. We met some teachers, I love Nair maam she is so sweet, and took photos with them. Vj's camera's been put to good use over the last few days. Then we got out the slam sheets, Red ones for me, and gave them around to people. Got LAB COAT signed :D My awesome boob-hole labcoat. And vj and I wrote Vj <3 Kj on the left breast pocket with red. So cute. G emotionally blackmailed me to do some graphs for him, lol. And we were all just sitting around in class signing Uday's jersey and lab coats and other shirts. Then the corridor photography and nostalgic cute hugging. Man, I'm gonna miss seeing all these faces every day. I was thinking bout Dd a lot and missing him too because my school life's had a lot of him in it last two years. Sigh, it was sadly nostalgic writing on his shirt and I could've teared up but then it's all for happyness's sake and I've now realized how much Dd means to me, in life. I have love for all my friends. Sat around in B section after which vj, shix, srim, big bird and I went to eat cake. Found Sui finally and took photo with the Yokohama tree :D She is so adowable, I lobe her. Been wearing my awesome shiny Badge these days :( I love it I want to wear it FOREVAR. Then we went to the trackfield and sat around and heard some guitaring and fluting. Laying on the grass, bliss in my spine. Hahaha, then I made two of my favorite junior boys (crushes lol) pose for a photo with me. Smiley moments. Lay around till the bell rang.
Srim was lying with her head on my lap and I won't ever forget this moment when I told her "I am sad." And she sat up and said "Whyy?" I said "Cause it's over."

you're the only one who knows you slow it down.

2011-12-20T22:46:00.000+05:30

"Please don't 'let me be'. Be with me."
"I just wanted a place in your head. I just wanted to be a part of your life. I just wanted to travel through your thoughts wherever you go. And now, I have it all."
"I'm yours. Keep me."
"You don't belong in this world and in this world, I will never love you."
"There now, steady love. So few come and don't go. Will you won't you be the one I'll always know?"
"But you're so incredible and sexy and incredibly sexy."
"I love what I am to you."
"It's not me he doesn't love. It's himself."
"But who will love you because you're a worthless jackass?"
"You are my cigarette."
"Please don't leave me alone with my thoughts."

day

2011-12-20T22:24:00.000+05:30

Today was probably the last day of school. Hardly anyone came. Was with Vj and Shix and we took lots of photos in the sunlit park. It's actually 'sun lit' and our school is too pretty. It was fun posing and all haha. Before that, we played basketball with a few 10thie boys and G and Arya and it was cool to play after sooo long. Man, I love school. I wish wish wish I'd written about the last study day because these days it's all just vellaness and fun. But that's cool too. I'm very tired. We went to the Mirambika area and took pretty pictures. I love school. Just emphasizing. Came home and slept for 2 hours. Still sleepy and tired though. Tomorrow is the batch photo. I CAN'T BELIEVE IT'S FINALLY US THIS TIME. Oh no. But at the same time I'm just too much into studying to think about nostalgic stuff. [Let's see if I cry tomorrow]. Anyway, so then I washed hair. Cause you know, batch photo, must look hot. Went for a walk in the park with Dash, met Chia and V and played baddy with boys for a while after which sat in the park with Q and Dash. Must stop being so vella. Must. Cause now I'm tired and won't be able to study anymore and just did a little bit of Eco during the day. Think maybe I should call cockroach and talk but then think I'm not a phone person. Think I should tell him that. Think I'm talking like Chait. Haha. Chait's going for this school trip in two days and I'm sad he won't be there on Christmas because now, I have no incentive to even do the tree tradition. Must try though. Going now to write an essay, post some cool draft thoughts, contemplate on making the blog public again, and then sleeeeeep early hopefully. Drink coffee at midnight these days. I don't know why people think coffee is awakening. It helps me to sleep well. I swear.

Thankyou.

2011-12-16T22:44:00.001+05:30

Even the slightest, turbulent revelation of the part of you that has me written all over it, makes me shiver with a strange madness for you because every thing you are is so criminally wonderful that it makes me look out into the sun with teary eyes and overwhelming emotions which you so effortlessly and hatefully create for me to feel every inch of every dream that you forbid to yourself and yet, your eyes haunt every corner of the earth and I can feel you in every chilling wind, with your deep voice resonating in the dark through the night, cutting through every one else's, making me look out to be sure to spot you and your lean, strong body, your criss cross falling black hair, the outline of your form, so heart-wrenching, killing me softly with every step. I love how I feel.

Beautiful disaster

2011-12-16T22:18:00.000+05:30

He drowns in his dreams
An exquisite extreme I know
He’s as damned as he seems
And more heaven than a heart could hold
And if I try to save him
My whole world could cave in
It just ain't right
It just ain't right

Oh and I don't know
I don't know what he's after
But he's so beautiful
Such a beautiful disaster
And if I could hold on
Through the tears and the laughter
Would it be beautiful?
Or just a beautiful disaster

He's magic and myth
As strong as what I believe
A tragedy with
More damage than a soul should see
And do I try to change him?
So hard not to blame him
Hold on tight
Hold on tight

Oh 'cause I don't know
I don't know what he's after
But he’s so beautiful
Such a beautiful disaster
And if I could hold on
Through the tears and the laughter
Would it be beautiful?
Or just a beautiful disaster

I'm longing for love and the logical
But he's only happy hysterical
I'm waiting for some kind of miracle
Waited so long
So long

He’s soft to the touch
But frayed at the end he breaks
He’s never enough
And still he's more than I can take

Oh 'cause I don't know
I don't know what he's after
But he's so beautiful
Such a beautiful disaster
And if I could hold on
Through the tears and the laughter
Would it be beautiful?
Or just a beautiful disaster

x

maybe you

2011-12-15T23:04:00.000+05:30

I'll learn to think like you

Maybe it will get me through.

I'll learn to be like you

Maybe you will get me through.

I'm some stain there on your bedsheet. You're my diamond in the rough.

2011-12-15T22:46:00.000+05:30

"I just want to kiss you so badly so badly so badly I'm dyinggg."
"You took my blog away from me. That's the worst thing anyone's ever done to me. And yet, I love you because only you could've done this."
"You took my blog away from me, claimed it so effortlessly, made it yours."
"I took you for granted, of course I did because I love you."
"I liked us better last december."
"Can we go back to our second start? To March or early April, please?"
"There was a reason why I never told you I love you. You've taken that away from me. I don't even know what it was but now it's gone and you shouldn't have done this."
"You're the only one who can know me because I know myself through you."

and i'll be there waiting for you.

2011-12-15T15:44:00.000+05:30

I'm a heartless man at worst babe, and a helpless one at best.

O darling I'll kiss your eyes and kneel down on your rug. Just give me some candy, after my hug.

2011-12-14T00:38:00.001+05:30

"This isn't fair." she said.
"And what is?" he said.
Just one of the imaginary conversations I keep having with you in my head. The others, I do not wish to write down because I'm hoping for them to happen. I've been complacent over the past few days, trying to do normal. I really am tired of all the emotional bullshit about love that my mind keeps trying to create. I don't feel like filling my inner void anymore. I think it's full to the brim and flowing out with you. I want to do normal, with you. I want to just be friends. It doesn't scare me anymore to know you. I'm going to make you know me. I'm going to assume that you don't already know me. I'm going to take us back to the start. To march perhaps, or april. To how we were then, and even better because now we both know what we didn't then. I want to discover you. Perhaps you aren't as magical as I think you to be, and I'm not scared to find out anymore. I think you owe this to me. I never expected or wanted anything from you, but now, I expect and need you to be close to me and to be a friend. I know it's difficult, I know you don't know how to be a 'friend' in the normal way, but I'm expecting this from you and you'll have to show me that you will try, because you said you care. I want to see your care for me. I need this. I called you to borrow you today, and really, I was so offended when you didn't come for so long because really, I'm prettier than all the friends you were with. But you did come, you did call. I was gone. I'm not going to stand around waiting for you, boy. And you know it.
I just want to draw smiley sun faces on the back of notebooks with you, sitting in the park in the sun one winter afternoon. You'll be wearing black and I'll be wearing red and we'll be smiling and I'll ask you to draw me a sun. Then I'll draw a smiley in it. I'll make your sun happy. And then you'll explain Balance of Payments to me and I'll remember it all my life because I always remember the things you teach me. Then I'll mess up your hair with grass and I'll tell you that's it's alright, you're not leading me on.
I want to be able to slip my arm through yours, pull you away from all the other people and say 'Hi, can I borrow him? Thanks.' and take you away and laugh with you. I want to be able to call you at 3 in the night to ask you some crazy doubt about some lawerly stuff like if I can be a lawer in France when I'm not French. I want to call you at 4 and ask you to come to the market with me because I need balance and I don't really have other friends atm. I want you to spot me at the end of the road and wait for me to come up to you and awkwardly hug you and say 'Can we please be friends?'
'We aren't friends. I don't know what we are but please, lets go back to march. I know we were friends in march. I don't want any emotional bullshit anymore but for that I need you to be near me. It's your choice, I would've said. I would've told you that you can either be close to me now, or go away. I know you would try hard to make yourself not care about it, either way. But you care about me and so, I'm not giving you any choice. I want you to be around, you know? Please lets just be."

2011-12-11T22:37:00.001+05:30

Drunken were the eyes, watching over a silhouette of delicate lace drapes. The slip of hair over the forehead, just making space for a meaning. So fragile, her substance, suspended from her crushed veneer. Distance, keeping her alive, safe from herself. A dynamite, she explodes inside, so serenely. Overturned. Let her. Let her exonerate you. She holds the magic.